“By avoiding federal prosecution, billionaire investor Jeffrey Epstein was sentenced to just 18 months in prison after he pled guilty on two counts of soliciting prostitution from a minor. Of that sentence, Epstein served only 13 months and was allowed to spend six days a week at an office for 12 hours a day under a work-release privilege.” — Time Magazine, 7/10/19

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Conspiracy

The defendant shall be sentenced to two weeks in prison to be completed in their low-security penal institution of choice.

  • (A) Should the defendant fail to locate a prison that is suitably comfortable, they are within their rights to design and construct their own state of the art facility.
  • (B) The defendant should feel free to make their prison as extravagant as they desire. We’re talking saunas, Jacuzzis, waterfalls, movie screening rooms, chefs specializing in macrobiotic diets, importing Siberian tigers to serve as pets, really great Wi-Fi, etc. The court encourages the defendant to embrace their creativity and really make this punishment their own!
  • (C) Should the defendant fail to include an underground escape tunnel in their prison, one will be provided for them.

Insider Trading

The defendant shall receive a $100 fine. The court will accept payment in stocks and bonds.

Racketeering

Eight minutes of probation. Also, the judge shall inform the defendant that their weekly tennis match with the federal prosecutor will be postponed until the following Thursday.

Bribery

The defendant shall be sentenced to twelve months of house arrest.

  • (A) If the punishment conflicts with previously made plans to remodel the family’s nine-story mansion, the sentence will be reduced to five months.
  • (B) If the defendant invites the prosecution team over for Mai Tais in the family’s infinity pool, the sentence will be reduced to two months.
  • (C) If the defendant invites a former or sitting president aboard their private plane for an epic weeklong bender in Dubai, the court will take the defendant to dinner and offer them a position within the federal government.

Kidnapping

The defendant shall receive two years of community service. The court will not follow up with the defendant to ensure they have performed this service.

Sexual Assault

The defendant shall receive a slap on the wrist, a pat on the back, and VIP tickets to a live taping of The Judge Jeanine Pirro Show at Mar-a-Lago.

Assault And Battery

The defendant shall be sentenced to one afternoon in the county jail to be completed whenever is convenient for them.

  • (A) The defendant shall be allowed to dictate the terms of their surrender. If the defendant is uncomfortable using loaded legal terms like “surrender” and “arrest” the court is happy to refer to this in the media as more of a “casual hang.”
  • (B) Should the defendant prefer to have their helicopter descend directly into their cell to allow for maximum privacy, the court can work with that.
  • (C) Should conflicts arise that would prevent the defendant from repaying their debt to society as laid out by the court, the court is happy to reschedule. Maybe you can squeeze us in next year? The court is flexible and eager to accommodate your needs.

Domestic Abuse

This seems like more of a family thing, so the court is not going to get involved. No sentence necessary.

Solicitation of a Minor

The defendant shall be thrown into the closest body of water.

  • (A) Should the defendant sink, they are innocent and free to leave as soon as their body has been recovered and revived by paramedics.
  • (B) Should the defendant float, it is likely they are also innocent. Regardless, they are free to go as soon as their yacht arrives to pick them up and deliver them into international waters.

Premeditated Murder

The defendant shall be sentenced to life in prison unless they would prefer a trial by dance-off.

  • (A) Should the defendant win the limbo competition, their sentence will be reduced by twenty years.
  • (B) Should the defendant perform a passable rendition of the worm, an additional twenty years will be removed from their sentence.
  • (C) Should the defendant successfully complete a head spin with a minimum of four rotations, UH OH, THIS IS A DANCE PARTY NOW! CUE THE DISCO BALL, PUMP UP THE JAMS, ALL CHARGES DROPPED AND THE COURT APOLOGIZES FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

Tax Evasion

The defendant shall receive a text from the judge asking, “can you plz just not? 😉🤑🤣”