“National Immigration Project said on Friday the New Orleans ICE Field Office ‘deported at least two families, including two mothers and their minor children—three of whom are U.S. citizen children aged 2, 4, and 7.’” — Axios, 4/27/25
“The White House has been fielding proposals aimed at persuading people to marry and have children… One such proposal that has been pitched to White House advisers is a $5,000 ‘baby bonus’ to every American mother after she gives birth.” — ABC News, 4/23/25
The Republican Party prides itself on being the pro-family party. We help women achieve the American dream: having so many babies that their weary bodies collapse in a shopping center parking lot with ninety-six-count packs of Walmart diapers under each arm. Which, ironically, are sold under the brand name Parent’s Choice even though we believe becoming a parent shouldn’t be a choice; it should be a consequence.
And speaking of consequences, we’re also deporting undocumented migrants and their families, regardless of whether their children are US citizens.
Don’t believe the legacy media’s lie that we’re deporting American children. What we’re doing is deporting their migrant parents, who then choose to take their American children back to the (often dangerous) places they came from. Those parents could instead surrender their children to Child Protective Services to become wards of the state and then return to their home countries by themselves, never to see their children again.
If that sounds like a real Sophie’s choice, we agree. For those who haven’t seen the movie Sophie’s Choice, it’s a film about an immigrant who comes to the United States after fleeing unspeakable violence, but is ultimately unable to overcome her traumatic past, leading to her tragic demise. If it were up to us, that’s how all immigration stories would end.
Sending American toddlers into life-threatening situations in other countries might not seem to some like a pro-family policy. But consider the upside. This move will free up spots in America’s crowded and understaffed preschools.
To those questioning whether that’s the best way to handle that problem, ask yourself this: What’s simpler—spending billions of dollars hiring, training, and equipping ICE agents to round up migrant parents and their American children and ship them overseas? Or paying teachers a little more?
Besides, if we weren’t pro-family, would we be offering people a whopping five grand to have a child? That’s almost enough money for two months of childcare—or 3 percent of a college fund.
In fact, President Trump is so pro-family, he’s calling himself the “fertilization president.” And if reading the phrase “fertilization president” just made you throw up in your mouth a little bit, that’s called morning sickness. Congratulations, you’re pregnant.
This country faces two enormous problems: Millions of people are trying to come to the United States to provide better lives for their children, and declining domestic birth rates are leading to a looming underpopulation crisis. We cannot solve one of those problems with the other problem. We must instead tackle both issues the only way that makes sense: turning women into mini baby factories while simultaneously getting rid of millions of people that are already here. There are no other glaringly obvious solutions.
Donald Trump is the most pro-family president in the history of this country. He knows a thing or two about families, because he’s had three of them. Under his leadership, America will be booming—economically and demographically. And as we hand women their National Medals of Motherhood for giving birth to their sixth child, their bodies will be limp with exhaustion, and they will be thanking us.
Unless, of course, they’re in one of those places where the health care system is heavily dependent on immigrant labor, like a city or a rural area.