Hey volunteers! We’re super pumped to have you making calls and getting votes for our Lord of Eternal Shadow & Exhumer of Souls, The Skeleton Prince. You rock! The Prince couldn’t wrench his icy fingers into the throat of the world without dope people like you on the #skelicrew!
This quick-response guide will help you answer any tough questions you might get.
Isn’t the Skeleton Prince a horrifying monster who will debone me in the night?
Hah! No way! The Skeleton Prince is a compassionate leader. He knows having bones is more important to his constituents today than ever before. That’s why he only strips the flesh of those who would usurp his dark throne. 90% of families will never have their traitorous skulls crushed into The Prince’s winding roads. Roads that sprawl like grim tendrils through his vast empire.
I will be voting for his opponent, Jeff Mulberry.
I totally get it! But I’m on the #skelicrew because we need a leader with the experience to get the job done. The Prince has spewed his foul stench over our district for 10,000 generations. Jeff Mulberry has only ever run a Subaru dealership in Rochester.
I will still be voting for Jeff Mulberry.
No problem! Have a great day. [Mark them for slaughter.]
What’s The Skeleton Prince’s environmental policy?
The environment is important to me too! That’s why I’m all-in on TSP. He believes global warming is real. This is exactly why he created everlasting winter by enshrouding our district in obsidian-black sulfur clouds. Also, his favorite animal is the koala!
In the debate against Jeff Mulberry, The Skeleton Prince belted an ear-piercing shriek for two and a half hours and burst into ash. Since then, my sleep has been hounded by visions of crows engorging themselves on my bloated corpse.
So glad to hear his message is getting through to you!
How will The Skeleton Prince strengthen our economy?
TSP is all about the economy! If you don’t have a job, he’ll force you to mine 23 hours a day for the crystals that grant him eternal life. Jeff Mulberry can’t promise that!
Will The Skeleton Prince work across the aisle?
Absolutely! The Prince has tons of experience working in a bipartisan government. If someone disagrees with him, he fills their mind with a sinking dread. The kind of dread that grinds like ice through the veins and plunges a toxic spike into the hearts of men. The kind of dread one can never escape… even in death. Jeff Mulberry only has experience running a Subaru dealership in Rochester!
I’m not voting. Won’t The Skeleton Prince just execute Jeff Mulberry on Hallows Eve and claim dominion anyways?
Yup! [Add them to the “Debone” spreadsheet provided by your supervisor.]
I’m definitely voting for The Skeleton Prince!
Love it! Would you like a yard sign? We have two sizes. Small — and one that towers into the heavens and casts its shadow on the kingdom of God.
And that’s it! With those answers you should have everything you need to sway people to the side of the #skelicrew. Don’t forget: you’re also invited to our Zoom meet & greet with The Prince! Just remember not to look him in the eye or else your soul will be exhumed.