I’d like to take a moment to apologize to those who were affected by my walk to work this morning. It’s come to my attention that while I glanced down at my phone for 25 minutes or so, a few incidents took place for which I might share some of the blame.
I should begin with the incident at 35th and 3rd when I suppose I must have looked down for a second while sending a strongly worded email to UPS. I am in no way trying to shift blame here, but when they say they’ll make three attempts to deliver your Mr. Coffee Cocomotion Hot Chocolate Maker, most people would take that to mean those attempts will occur on three consecutive days. You can see why this email had to be urgently written. However, because I was perhaps slightly distracted as I rounded that corner, I do apologize to the woman with her adorable fluffy white dog. And while there is simply no excuse for coming mere inches from stepping on an innocent Pomeranian, there is an excuse for my look of relief when Ms. Loose Leash called me those names I’d rather not repeat. You see, out of the corner of my eye, I was under the impression that I’d almost stepped on a small child in a white fur coat. So while I was of course devastated to have almost trampled a tiny dog (my wife is a guardian level donor to the ASPCA for God’s sake), I was relieved to know that people are not dressing their toddlers in white fur coats. What a world that would be!
Allow me to formally apologize as well to the sweetest old lady I met all day, Edith Arbesfeld, who had the tragic timing of veering into me (or I into her if you believe the account of a 91-year-old woman) at the exact moment someone sent me a photo of my old boss Jonathan, along with the message: “Look who got fat.” If I’m truly being honest here, the photo was pretty out of focus and I’ve come to doubt that it was even Jonathan in the photograph. But I didn’t leave that job on the best of terms and his having gotten fat would certainly be a sort of closure for me, so it was important that I really studied the photo when it arrived. In a way, Edith was simply collateral damage in Jonathan’s on-going reign of terror. However, she did take a pretty good fall and I wish Edith a full and speedy recovery. I also wish only the best to her son Ira, who I hope takes my advice and works on his anger and mommy issues.
You’ve likely seen it on the news but I should at least mention the bank robbery. This was frankly a classic mix-up where someone is trying to be a Good Samaritan and inadvertently becomes an accomplice in a bank robbery. Just as I was walking past the Chase Bank at 53rd and 2nd, I noticed that my brother had spelled a 64-point word on Words With Friends. Not such a big deal, you’re thinking, right? Well, what if I told you that the word he spelled was “Qis.” And that the Q was on a triple-letter spot, and the S on a double-word spot. And keep in mind that my brother is not a big reader so there’s no way he would have come across this word naturally. So while I was stewing about this affront to fairness, I caught in my peripheral vision a man, who with his hands full, was clearly struggling to exit the bank. As I told the police later, I did of course notice the man’s mask and gloves as I was propping the door open for him, but the weather has recently turned brisk and frankly I don’t want to live in a world where we’re judging one another based on attire (as long as it’s not children in white fur coats—there are limits to tolerance). Needless to say, I sincerely hope the police catch their suspect and that the bank recovers their money. Although it does seem a bit odd that only a few years after the financial crisis we’re all so up in arms about a big bank losing some money. Another win for Wall Street at the expense of Main Street I guess.
I want to take a second and apologize to Angelina Jolie. I want to make clear to you, Angelina (and Brad if you’re reading this over her shoulder), that I am not one of those people who feels the need to respond to everything I see on Facebook, but in this case, it was simply a matter of necessity. When I saw the photo of my friend’s 10-month-old son dressed up for Halloween, it was imperative that I immediately text my wife and let her know that the baby looked weird in the photograph and make sure that she too thought the baby looked weird. I then of course had to “like” the photo so my friend would know I’m taking an interest in his kid and that I don’t think the child looks “weird” or “effed up somehow” as my wife once put it. I do sincerely hope your toe is not broken, Ms. Jolie, as you initially screamed that you thought it was. And let me add that the concern young Maddox and your four to six other children with you showed for their mommy’s foot was simply adorable. What a precious young man he is growing up to be!
I think that about covers it. I will of course be more conscientious in the future about using my phone while walking. Even as I walk home right now, I see a number of people with their heads buried in their phones, and I just want to scream at them, “Get your head out of that technology cloud and come on back to the real world!” Frankly, it’s a real nuisance. In fact, I’m going to tweet about it as soon as I get home. Actually—you know what—I’m going to tweet about it right now.