We’ve been banging our heads against the wall, trying to think of the new “it” thing our customers want. At one point, somebody suggested improving our product, but then we thought of something better—something totally groundbreaking, something absolutely huge. We should implement a terrible AI system.
Customers only care about one thing: barely functioning AI crammed into every facet of their lives. We all know this. That’s why anybody who’s anybody has slapped AI onto their product. AI phone, AI refrigerator, AI stick. If it doesn’t have AI, what the fuck are we even doing?
Up until recently, the industry was pretty stagnant. We had been relying on outdated ideas like “ready for market,” “finished product,” and “works reasonably well.” We were all stuck selling products that broke only after a few years. Now, we’re finally innovating by cutting to the chase and selling products that are already broken.
I know I’m personally tired of products pretending like they work for a bit, then getting hit with a surprise “This device is not compatible with the newest update,” or “You need a subscription service to continue using this product,” or “Nobody said it was waterproof.” Just give me my broken garbage and quit playing games.
Before anybody states the obvious, I understand that terrible AI systems are technically terrible, but I’ll be damned if they’re not confident. Like yeah, it may be wrong when I ask it a question, but it sounds right. What naysayers don’t seem to realize is that people respond better to a confident liar shouting out answers than a polite expert. Women can back me up on this.
Plus, isn’t it kind of exciting? For instance, maybe you looked up how to change your oil, and now your brakes don’t work. Doesn’t that sound fun? Just living in a constant state of fear that all of the information you have access to is anywhere from a little to very wrong?
The only people who don’t like terrible AI don’t understand it. So, let me break it down for you. The “A” stands for “artificial,” and the “I” also stands for something, but I can never remember what it is. I want to say the internet? I just checked with AI, and it confirmed it stands for “artificial internet.” Anyway, AI means futuristic and better. And this better future not only has extra fingers but is also illiterate.
If you’re still not convinced, it’s probably because you think AI is a feature that adds value. That’s all wrong. It’s not a feature; it’s more of an idea. Obviously, everyone can tell that AI isn’t working correctly, but you can see what it’s going for, and wouldn’t it be pretty amazing if it did work? Man, that would be pretty impressive. The value added is a feeling that you’re on the cutting edge of technology even though you’re using a product that is now actively worse.
And if we’re not ready to take the plunge into AI, we at least need to call one of our preexisting systems “AI.” Lots of companies do this. Just rename things to AI. Chatbot: AI. Automated voice messaging system: AI. Outsourced customer service rep in Myanmar: AI. If companies aren’t even pretending to have AI, they will lose their customers’ trust.
At the end of the day, we have to add AI to our product. We don’t really have a choice. It’s best to think of terrible AI as if it’s your deadbeat brother-in-law. Sure, nobody asked Michael to stay on your couch for six months, but there he is, making bad music, hallucinating, and teaching the kids how to make bombs. He’s forced his way into your home in the same way AI has forced itself into our products. There’s really no use in fighting it, because, like it or not, artificial internet isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.