We’re sad to see you go. If you have a moment, will you please tell us why you unsubscribed? Please? Failure to do so will cancel your request.

1. Why do you want to unsubscribe?

  • I no longer want to receive these emails
  • I no longer want to receive email
  • These emails are inappropriate
  • These emails aren’t inappropriate
  • I never signed up in the first place, and you fucking know it
  • I am unhappy with my choices
  • I am making a mistake but cannot help myself, which I plan to address in therapy one day (but not today)
  • My cat walked on my keyboard, and I ended up here against my will and would like to go back to the regular internet now
  • I am not taking questions at this time
  • I just wanted to see what would happen
  • Actually, I don’t feel that you are sad, and I would like to see exactly how sad you are to see me go
  • I cannot and will not be held responsible for shit I signed up for while day drinking
  • I’m just not the person I thought I was when I signed up to volunteer/donate/care about anything, ever
  • Your emails have taken on a tone I can only describe as “hectoring,” and I do not care for it
  • I really cannot afford Belgian flax sheets, even with the discount for signing up
  • I unsubscribed by accident! I’m so sorry!! I HATE MYSELF. Please add me back! I’ll do anything… I really need this
  • Other
  • I feel fat

2. In no fewer than 500 words, explain why you would like to no longer receive emails from us at this time.

3. Please apologize to us (required; no word limit).

4. Tell us how we may fix what’s bothering you and be specific but realistic.

5. In the void provided, allay our concerns that you’re a robot, by which we mean you have no heart, which is why you’re unsubscribing.

Thank you! You will no longer receive email from us, your real family… unless you change your mind. Click nothing if so.

Just to confirm: You no longer wish to receive important communications, right? For our records: is this because you’ve become some kind of QAnon whackadoo? If we do not receive a response, then we will assume you have and will act accordingly.

Now, reenter your email address and the email addresses of five casual acquaintances. (A random stranger will die if you fail to complete this step.)

Thank you again! Your unsubscribe request will be processed when the time is right. Resubscribe to confirm.

Didn’t mean to unsubscribe? Resubscribe! (Resubscription will be permanent to prevent this kind of mistake in the future.)

Want to receive only the most urgent updates? The emails that will tell you everything you’ve ever needed or wanted to know? The ones that will give you the answers you’ve been scrolling for, that will fix the hole in you that you’ve been trying to fill with cheap hits of serotonin?

Want to receive fewer emails? Select FEWER EMAILS in the four emails we just sent you.

NOTE: We will continue to email you regarding your shipping, delivery, our feelings, our regular emails, and order information despite your email subscription preferences. You agreed to this by being on the internet.

REMEMBER: You can always subscribe back in when you have a change of heart. Once a change of heart is sensed, you will be subscribed again automatically.

(We noticed that you lingered ever so slightly above our latest Instagram post. We have taken that as a sign that you wish to resubscribe.)

Welcome back!