New York Magazine published excerpts from interviews with twelve people who aren’t planning to vote in the 2018 midterm elections. Their reasons for not voting are varied — one voter said small tasks, such as mailing in their registration, “can be hard for me to do if I’m not enthusiastic about it,” while another said that the “extremely easy process” of voting is “anticlimactic.”
Kaycee| Age 28 | Chicago, IL | Last voted: Never
Why it’s too difficult for Kaycee to vote: “I wanted to vote in the 2016 election, but by the time I tried to register, I couldn’t, because Donald Trump had already been elected. That’s the crazy thing: the one thing that motivated me to vote — Donald Trump having won the U.S. presidency — also stopped me from being able to vote. It was difficult to deal with trying and failing to vote in 2016, and I can’t imagine failing to vote again in 2018, so I’ve just decided not to try.”
How many beers Kaycee can butt-chug in 60 seconds: “Four, easy. You really have to be proactive about widening your butthole, because otherwise, you’re going to max out at being able to suck down two and a half beers through your asshole in under a minute. I often go an entire day with a golf ball in my anus because I know it’ll help me shove a plastic enema bottle up there later that evening. Nobody’s telling me to do that. I’m doing that on my own because guzzling booze through my asshole is a priority.”
Chris | Age 24 | Houston, TX | Last voted: 2016 Election
Why it’s too difficult for Chris to vote: “I’m a political science student, so there isn’t a lot I don’t know, other than the lessons I haven’t learned yet. And when you think about it, that’s really scary. ‘Cause while there’s a pretty good chance I’m right about most things, there’s still the possibility that I’m wrong about a few things. What if Future Me learns that Past Me voted for the wrong person in the 2018 midterms? Present Me can’t imagine how I’d deal with the fact that I voted for the wrong person, let alone that I was wrong about something in the first place.”
How many beers Chris can butt-chug in 60 seconds: “Two — maybe three — depending on how hoppy the beers are. I used to have a lot of trouble getting the beer to siphon into my ass, but then I started listening to people who’d been butt-chugging for years, and I realized I was using too much lube on the nozzle that was penetrating my asshole. Using less lube certainly helped me drink more beer through my sphincter, so I’m really happy I sought counsel from those who’ve been slurping beer through their ass for longer than I’ve been alive.”
Phoebe | Age 27 | Washington, D.C. | Last voted: 2016 Election
Why it’s too difficult for Phoebe to vote: “From my experience, voting sucks away the energy that could otherwise be used in making real differences and having real conversations with real people about real problems and how we feel really helpless to solve them. Yes, my polling place is five minutes away from my apartment. Yes, I know that we vote once every two years, meaning that even if it took me four hours to vote, I’d only be spending 0.0002 percent of those two years at the polls. But here’s what I can’t reconcile: what if voting isn’t fun?”
How many beers Phoebe can butt-chug in 60 seconds: “Three, for sure — four if I’m already drunk. Of course, every butt-chug hasn’t been a walk in the park — there’ve been a couple times that I’ve squeezed the turkey baster full of booze before it was fully inside my asshole and covered my thighs in warm beer — but here’s what I’ve always been able to reconcile about butt chugging: it’s not fun, but it looks cool as hell.”
D’angelo | Age 24 | Palm Bay, FL | Last voted: 2016 Election
Why it’s too difficult for D’angelo to vote: “Politicians don’t care about millennials; they only appeal to older voters. By disassociating myself from politics and choosing not to vote, I’m showing politicians that they should focus more energy on appealing to me, instead of the people who consistently turn out at the polls.”
How many beers D’angelo can butt-chug in 60 seconds: “I’m pretty awful at guzzling pilsners down my butthole. Granted, I’ve never tried butt-chugging a cold one, but that’s because the people who sell the stuff that makes the beer go up your ass aren’t marketing to me — they’re marketing to people who know how to suck booze up their buttholes. By not butt-chugging beer, I’m telling the butt-chugging machine that it needs to focus more energy on appealing to me, instead of the people who are consistently sucking suds up their assholes.”