“The good news keeps coming for Vice President Harris. She has now not only made up ground in public polls in the swing states in her campaign for president, but has now actually taken narrow leads in three critical states that would put her at just enough electoral votes to win the White House, according to polling averages.” — NPR
I have one job, which is to convince Americans that Kamala Harris is a lying, Antifa-loving child trafficker who drinks baby blood. I thought it would be easy, but it’s not going very well. Harris keeps rising in the polls, and my Trumpworld bosses are getting more erratic by the day , which, you know, is really saying something.
I’ve tried everything: whispers, hashtags, and a prime-time ad on the Tucker Carlson Network. But no matter how craftily I disseminate the Kamala libel, and no matter how many Republicans parrot the talking points, nothing seems to work.
What is happening? Eight years ago, this kind of stuff was a breeze. There was nothing I could throw at Hillary Clinton that didn’t stick —Benghazi, her emails, that one time when she said the word “deplorable.” If I thought up a reason for people to hate or mistrust Hillary, they clung to it as if it were a life jacket dipped in Stevia. Those were the days. I mean, voters actually believed she ran a vast pedophile ring out of the basement of a pizza parlor, for Christ’s sake.
Now, a guy can’t even accuse a woman of sleeping her way to the top without being called an out-of-touch misogynist. What a world! It’s almost as if something has shifted culturally, as if the very thing Trump Republicans have most feared is coming true, and Elon Musk can’t control people’s minds by scaremongering about Kamala on his lousy platform.
And the last time I checked, labeling a woman as a childless cat lady was clear defamation, a claim that automatically damned her in the eyes of middle-class voters. Yet that didn’t work either, and now people are selling Childless Cat Lady merch on Etsy. The ladies without babies don’t even seem ashamed —can someone explain how this happened? When did everyone decide that women who didn’t have birth children can be viewed as full human beings? Did I miss a memo?
Also, maybe it’s my imagination, but I think calling Kamala a dumb DEI hire backfired on Republicans. Suddenly, some of the mainstream GOP guys were like, “Tone that stuff down—gender and race attacks are a bad look.” They said Republicans should focus on “policy” instead. But I think they’re forgetting that GOP policy is just a noxious cocktail of big-money interests, forced birthing, and AK-47 worship now, and I’m not sure that’s going to resonate with Wisconsin voters.
I need a line of attack that works, guys. Maybe Kamala wasn’t really born in the United States — is that a thing? And it has to be a slur that won’t just appeal to the MAGAs who would vote for Donald Trump even if he took a dump on the American flag, murdered Dolly Parton on Fifth Avenue, and defected to Moscow. So casting Kamala as the leader of a secret cabal is out, as is accusing her of masterminding a coup or putting her on the Epstein flight log.
I’m at a loss here. Can someone please help me? All ideas are welcome. Like, maybe multiple people have accused her of sexual assault or something? Has she made fun of any disabled people? Does Kamala Harris know where Hunter Biden is? Anything, people. Because my erratic MAGA bosses are getting more agitated—and weirder—by the day. And again, that’s really saying something.