“The term ‘Woodsy the Owl’ means the name and representation of a fanciful owl, who wears slacks (forest green when colored), a belt (brown when colored), and a Robin Hood style hat (forest green when colored) with a feather (red when colored), and who furthers the slogan, ‘Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute,’ originated by the Forest Service of the United States Department of Agriculture.”
– United States Code, Chapter 16, Section 580p
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I.
In a pristine Pennsylvania forest at noontime, WOODSY THE OWL sits on a log enjoying the scenery when two teenage boys swagger by.]
TEENAGER #1: I love Red Bull.
TEENAGER #2: Red Bull is the greatest.
Both teenage boys suck down their Red Bulls and then throw the empty cans on the ground.]
WOODSY: Hey! Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute.
TEENAGER #1: Whoa. What the hell is that thing?
TEENAGER #2: Looks like some sort of fanciful owl.
TEENAGER #1: Aren’t owls nocturnal?
[WOODSY approaches the boys.]
TEENAGER #1: Love the forest green slacks there, owl.
TEENAGER #2: Nice Three Musketeers style hat.
TEENAGER #1: Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?
[WOODSY flaps his wings angrily.]
WOODSY (squawking): Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute. Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute.
TEENAGER #1: Or what? You’ll tickle us with your red feather?
The boys walk away, laughing.]
II.
Back in his office, WOODSY speaks with Secretary of Agriculture TOM VILSACK on the telephone.]
TOM VILSACK: Woodsy, I’m sorry. You cannot use your karate moves to stop people from polluting. Your statute won’t allow it.
WOODSY: But it says I have a brown belt.
TOM VILSACK: It says you have a brown belt, not a brown belt.
WOODSY: What about pepper spray then?
TOM VILSACK: This conversation is over.
[WOODSY squawks and hangs up. Spotting a mouse scurrying across the floor, WOODSY karate chops the rodent, which then scuttles away, pissed off.]
III.
After work, WOODSY meets long-time acquaintance the PHILLY PHANATIC at a local bar.]
PHILLY PHANATIC: Explain your problem again.
WOODSY: Times have changed, man. My slogan just doesn’t cut it anymore. Used to be I could tell somebody to give a hoot and not pollute, and they’d listen to me. Nobody respects authority anymore. And if one more guy asks me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, I’m going to peck his lungs out.
PHILLY PHANATIC: That’s rough.
WOODSY: What are things like in the public sector? Maybe it’s time for me to make a move into the sports mascot field.
PHILLY PHANATIC (taking a slug of his draft ale): Things ain’t that great here either. The economy what it is and all. There are ten out-of-work mascots for every one of us working full time.
WOODSY: Maybe college ball, then?
PHILLY PHANATIC: You could talk to Temple, I guess. That guy Hooter’s been there forever, though. I don’t think he’s ever going to step down.
WOODSY (draining his bourbon): I hate that fucker.
IV.
Back in the forest, WOODSY hides behind an elm tree. He is dressed in a karate robe and his brown belt. Two teenage girls saunter by, drinking from cans of Red Bull.]
TEENAGER #1: I love Red Bull.
TEENAGER #2: Red Bull is the greatest.
Both girls suck down their Red Bulls and then throw the empty cans on the ground. WOODSY storms out from behind his tree, squawking like a maniac and threatening the girls with a flying karate kick.]
WOODSY: Don’t Pollute. Or I’ll Give You the Boot.
The girls scream, pick up their cans, and run. WOODSY falls awkwardly, twisting an ankle.]
V.
Later that day, WOODSY is in the woods trying fruitlessly to break boards in half with his wing when, from behind, an authoritative voice rings out.]
VOICE: Stop right there, Woodsy the Owl. This is the U.S. Forest Service. Do not make any sudden karate moves.
[WOODSY spins his head 220 degrees around and spots SMOKEY THE BEAR, pointing what appears to be a can of pepper spray at WOODSY. WOODSY throws up his wings and surrenders. SMOKEY approaches WOODSY to put him under arrest.]
SMOKEY: Vilsack told me to check on you. Said you might be up to something.
WOODSY: Damn it. Hey, why do you get to have pepper spray?
SMOKEY: What, this thing? (freshens breath with “pepper spray”). I thought owls were supposed to be smart.
[SMOKEY leads WOODSY away in wingcuffs.]