My nephew told me he was getting into punk music and played me some stuff from this guy Machine Gun Kelly. I couldn’t help but laugh and roll my eyes. What these kids today call “punk” is embarrassing. It’s time they learn what real punk is from someone who was there when it happened.

I was there when Yellowcard opened for Good Charlotte. I was there when American Hi-Fi released an iTunes-exclusive EP. I was there when SR-71’s “Right Now” was in the Harold and Kumar… trailer. I was also there when SR-71’s “Right Now” was in the Old School trailer. Hell, I was even there when SR-71’s “Right Now” was in the Dude, Where’s My Car? trailer.

You think you’re punk because you’ve got a leather jacket and some chains? A leather jacket doesn’t make you punk. A powder-blue T-shirt that’s one size too small and a pair of brown corduroy pants does.

Oh, what’s that? You also like the new Blink-182 album? Yeah, I’m real impressed. If Blink-182 is still punk, then why haven’t they won a Kid’s Choice Award since 2001?

You think you “discovered” Green Day because you “saw them play on Jimmy Fallon’s show”? Wrong. I discovered Green Day when I saw their musical on Broadway with my parents and then picked up the clean version of their CD at Walmart. And as far as I’m concerned, the last punk thing Green Day did was cover “I Fought the Law” in a 2004 Super Bowl commercial (I’m not sure who sings the original version, though —I  need to Ask Jeeves that.)

And just so you know, when you stream your “punk” music on Spotify, it sounds like garbage. If you actually cared about the music, you’d listen to it the way it was supposed to be heard :  downloaded from LimeWire and burned onto a CD-R at 96 kbps.

Punk music isn’t about whining that nobody understands you. It’s about whining that girls don’t like you even though you’ve never done anything to make yourself remotely desirable to them.

Covering your body in tattoos isn’t punk. Punk is buying a T-shirt at Spencer’s Gifts even though you know your parents won’t let you wear it to school.

You think you’re punk? Then let me ask you this: How many American Pie soundtracks do you have on CD? Go ahead. I’ll wait.