Everyone knows it’s hard being the high school basketball team that lost to Air Bud. He’s a dog; it’s an embarrassing defeat. But people don’t realize it’s worse being the team that went out, played hard, and beat that beloved golden retriever by eighty-seven points.
Famously, there’s no rule against a dog playing basketball. Apparently, there is one big rule about forfeiting against a dog playing basketball. I gladly would’ve given Air Bud’s team of ragtag teens the morally uplifting win, but the Washington State Athletic Commission made us spend forty-five minutes dunking on man’s best friend.
Trust me, we tried to lose, but it wasn’t enough. Air Bud is very skilled at bouncing a game-winning shot off his snout in an emotional third-act climax, but he’s less adept at small things like dribbling. The dog does not have hands. I said that phrase so many times during the game. There’s only so much stalling you can do before your team starts draining mid-range jumpers.
You can’t blame my basketball team for playing basketball. It’s not their fault Air Bud never mastered zone defense. I won’t apologize for the winning tactic of holding the ball slightly above how high a dog can jump. For this tactical feat, we won the game but lost the public relations battle.
Winning against Air Bud’s team hurts even me as a coach. You don’t get the benefit of the doubt from strangers who overhear you saying you “beat a dog.”
We didn’t even play Air Bud in his prime. We beat him after he played basketball, soccer, football, and went to space twice. If you think people don’t clap when you beat a young dog (they don’t), come see a group of all-state seniors dunk on an elderly pet taking a nap under the net.
I don’t blame Air Bud; I blame the other coach who thought this would go well again. Not every play can be a slow-motion victory shot framing Air Bud’s new, precocious owner and his former, cantankerous character actor owner in the background. That doesn’t work in the second quarter. Try running the pick-and-roll instead of learning life lessons against kids six months away from starting at Duke.
After we beat Air Bud’s team, the town threw a parade… for Air Bud. They cheered for his unwavering spirit against a rotten group of sore winners, while my team silently ate fajitas in the back booth at Applebee’s.
At least I can look forward to next season when I’m coaching a high school baseball team full of popular, vain jocks. Our first game is against a plucky group of benchwarmers brought together by a cranky old coach who learns the value of friendship through sport. I’m sure it’ll go great for us!