- Don’t wear shorts. Ever. We’re making the new Weekend at Bernie’s, not living it.

- When I said “Good Morning,” that was rhetorical.

- We don’t have a desk for you. We have a corner, a milk crate and a lamp. Please don’t use the lamp.

- Do not hit on the other interns. Only I may hit on the other interns. You may hit on the custodial staff and anyone from FedEx, except that one blonde chick.

- Whether you are getting two or four credits for this internship is the foremost issue in no one’s mind. Mention it again and we’ll stop reimbursing you for mileage.

- If I say, “Hey man,” it’s because I don’t know your name. If I call you “Buddy”, it’s because I don’t know your name. If I call you “Derek,” it’s because I don’t know your name, got bored and decided to guess.

- If you don’t learn my name then I’ll tell the other interns I caught you jerking off in the bathroom and when you walk by we’ll call you, “Creepy Jerkoff Guy.”

- Yes, we’re both from Michigan. That, however, is where the conversation ends.

- A good rule of thumb about eye contact: Not interested.

- There are no pointless tasks, only pointless questions about your pointless tasks.

- Telling me you love the Traveling Wilburys too only guarantees that you will never hear them coming from my iTunes again as long as you live.

- For lunch, I am having 45 minutes of staring at my hands, wishing I were dead. No, I am not interested in checking out the new taco place down the street.

- Stop smiling.

- While your arriving early and staying late is noticed, it will neither be rewarded nor appreciated.

- The sooner you stop trying to get something out of this experience, the sooner we can all go back to the hours-long stretches of silence we’re all comfortable with.

- Oh, you want to be a writer? You’re probably the only aspiring writer that has ever interned. Congratulations on your impending, painless climb to the top!

- Oh, you want to be a producer? Thank you for sharing that. There’s nothing more interesting than other people’s dreams.

- If I don’t wear a tie, you shouldn’t wear a tie. While we’re on the subject, you can untuck your shirt. This isn’t the Church of Latter Day Saints.

- Don’t Facebook friend me. If you want to follow me on Twitter, fine. Don’t DM me on Twitter. If you want to #FF me, fine.

- If I’m already in the elevator when you get in and I pull out my phone—I’m not on my phone. I’m trying to avoid any and all interaction. Please get off the elevator.

- I am not interested in attending your 19th birthday party. Thanks for the e-vitation.

- What can you be doing to make this a better place? Great question. Work on the answer silently, forever.

- Stop mentioning that you take the bus in from Van Nuys every day. No one knows or cares where or what that is.

- I do not have any “tips” or “advice” and I certainly do not want my “brain picked”. Unless, obviously, you’re attractive.

- Yes, I’d be happy to give you notes on your web short. It’s seven minutes? Take note: your web short is too fucking long for me to watch.

- You need to be quicker on the phones. More than one ring and whoever is calling will assume that this office is staffed entirely by elderly women constantly being caught off guard.

- You can leave early when I say you can leave early.

- Don’t talk while I’m tweeting.

- You can’t leave early.

- Please edit this Internship Welcome Packet. Do not share the list with other interns.

- There is no need for a special goodbye on your last day. No one is sad. You are a temp without an interesting backstory. On your way out, please show your replacement how to use the scanner.

- Mr. Leno really appreciates your time and dedication this summer.