Every year when fall rolls around, the same bitter feeling makes its way into your heart. It’s the season of book festivals, and you’re feeling left out. Once again, nobody has invited you to read from one of your many unpublished manuscripts. Instead, the “mainstream book festivals” solicit authors of New York Times bestsellers and other people whose books have come out with non-vanity presses.
Don’t fret, friend. Your time is now. No more waiting for an invitation from those “prestigious” book festivals, which will never come. All you have to do is go downstairs. Yep, leave the childhood bedroom you still live in because you’re unemployed and divorced and “in between things right now” and go to the kitchen. Your mom has something special for you. It’s Your Mom’s Book Festival, and you are the guest of honor.
Schedule:
9:00am—10:30 a.m.
Panel 1: How’s That Novel Coming Along?
Panelists: You
Location: Kitchen Table
This panel will consist of your mom asking you how your novel is coming along. Feel free to provide as much or as little detail as possible, but the response to any statement you make will be another question along the lines of how your novel is coming along. Breakfast of cheerios and milk will be provided to all attendees.
Panel 2: There are no other panels at this time.
BREAK
11:00—12:00 p.m.
Panel 1: Where Do You Get Your Ideas?
Panelists: You, Maybe Your Brother If He Skypes In.
Location: Living Room
This panel will seek to answer that age-old question: Where do you get your ideas? Your mom will ask you where you get your writing ideas. Specific questions may include references to your childhood and any traumatic experiences she may or may not have caused. Your mom will try not to bring up your divorce, but the conversation is an organic one, and no question should be off-limits for a successful writer. Your brother may call in to join the conversation, which could expand the topics of discussion to include surprise at how much more successful he has become than you, even though you were always the one everyone thought would go far. Scotch will be provided in the kitchen shortly after the panel is over, while your mom is taking a bathroom break.
Panel 2: There are no other panels at this time.
BREAK
12:45—2:00 p.m.
Panel 1: Why Do You Insist on Continuing to Write Space Operas?
Panelists: You. Any Neighbor Who Happens To Stop By.
Location: Porch (Rain Back-Up Location: Living Room)
This informative discussion will involve your mom showing you on the internet how many writers have become millionaires by writing genre literature such as thrillers, mysteries, and romance novels. The names Brad Meltzer and Jonathan Kellerman will likely come up, as your mom will ask you why you continue to write space operas. Your mom will also ask why you never let her read your work, when you used to do so all the time back when you were in middle school. A friendly neighbor may stop by to ask whether you’re still living with your parents.
Panel 2: There are no other panels at this time.
BREAK
5:00—7:00 p.m.
Panel 1: Food and Fights — How to Create a Scene.
Panelists: You. Your Mom. Your Dad.
Location: Applebee’s
The keynote panel of Your Mom’s Book Festival, How to Create a Scene, takes place at a special location this year, and at a special, earlier time, in order to take advantage of the Early Bird Special. Your dad came home from work early for this, so it promises to be a good one. Your mom will begin the panel innocuously, by asking you what you want to order. This will allow your dad to remind you that your dad and your mom are paying for the meal, because you are jobless and homeless. Your mom will remind your dad that you are not homeless, that, in fact, You always have a home with them, and that you can stay as long as you like. To which your dad will scoff. This panel will also give you an opportunity to explain to your audience the tragic comedy of suburban malaise you have been working on in your childhood bedroom when you are not scrolling through Twitter.
Panel 2: There are no other panels at this time.
Your Mom’s Book Festival will conclude on a high note, with your mom saying that she’ll always believe in you and that you can do anything you put your mind to, but that, when you’re ready, the Gap at the mall is hiring.