Another beautiful day! The sun is shining and the grass is dewy. Birds are chirping. Time to pick up my phone and look at it.
Instagram is fun. Snapchat is fun. Facebook is more for older people. These are the thoughts I have at 8:30 in the morning.
I could go for some breakfast. I think I’ll make pancakes and post a picture of them so my followers can see. This is important. My followers need to understand that I’m a regular person just like them — a regular person who enjoys pancakes. If people don’t feel this connection with me, then I won’t be able to influence their online buying habits, at which point I’ll no longer be an influencer. And that simply won’t do.
The pancakes are cold because I took too long to select an Instagram filter. I will eat them to punish myself.
Looking at my phone is the best. I’m now going to shoot a video of myself saying something funny about a style of tattoo I find unattractive.
That went well.
Let’s see. Not even noon. At two o’clock I’m being paid to post a photo of myself drinking Mountain Dew. I’m supposed to use the hashtag #dewnami — like tsunami, but it’s a tsunami made of Mountain Dew, I think is the idea.
I bought some new sunglasses yesterday. Maybe my followers will think they look cool. What am I saying? Of course they’ll think they’re cool. I’m an influencer.
People like me.
Just posted a picture of my dog, Ruffles. Those typically do well. But I don’t want to be one of those “dog” influencers, you know? I’m talking about the ones whose ability to influence rests solely on cute pictures they post of their dogs. What’s the gameplan there? They must know that they’re going to comfortably outlive their dogs. And then what? Will they just stop being influencers? Let me tell you something: you don’t choose this line of work. It chooses you. When strangers decide that your online persona is so engaging that they’ll trust whatever product endorsements you make, well, there’s no bigger responsibility than that. To abdicate it would be wrong. It would be perverse.
So I limit dog posts to once every eight days.
It looks nice out. I think I’ll sit on the stoop and do a little influencing from there. Maybe I’ll post a selfie with the sun in the background! My followers will like seeing that I’m having a good time in the sun. They want me to be happy.
My followers care about me.
The Mountain Dew people just called and said not to use #dewnami. They’re worried that it will look insensitive if a real tsunami strikes. I could have told them that, but did they ask? Of course not. Then again, I’m just the influencer. I don’t come up with the ad campaigns. There are rules to this thing. You don’t question the company. You just influence.
I wonder if I should get a haircut. Some of my followers have been saying I look better with shorter hair. Maybe I’ll straight-up ask them in a post: “Haircut? Y/N.” But would that bind me to whatever they say? I don’t want to break their trust, but I want to be my own person. If my best friend — which is how my followers like to think of me — said I need a haircut, I shouldn’t be beholden to that. Right?
But what if my hair gets too long and my followers stop liking me?
No. That’s crazy. My followers like me for me; it’s why they keep coming back. Do they interact with other influencers, too? I don’t know — but probably not. I mean, they get everything they need from me. Why would they want to be influenced by anyone else? Not that I’d be jealous. Hey, if they want to get banking recommendations from some 16-year-old YouTube chef posting sponsored videos, by all means, be my guest. Nothing can take away from the close, personal bond I have with all 9.4 million of my followers. So what if I never meet any of them in person? So what if we never buy each other a round or take a road trip together? In that moment when they tap one of my posts to see a three-by-five-inch pixelated rendering of a floral shirt I just bought — in that moment, there is no closer connection than ours.
In that moment, we’re friends.
The Mountain Dew people called again. The new hashtag is #mountainGOAT. The GOAT part stands for “Greatest of All Time.” This is a really good hashtag.