ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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Articles by
Andrew Knott
Andrew is a writer living in Orlando. His book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is available now.
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April 20, 2021Alanis Morisette’s “Ironic” Revised for Exasperated Parents
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February 13, 2020I’m the Valentine’s Card Your Three-Year-Old Made
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June 27, 2019Motivational Quotes Revised for People With Reasonable Expectations
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February 25, 2019FAQ: School Book Fair
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January 26, 2018I Took a 24-Hour Social Media Break and Now I Am a Better Parent and the Ruler of the Earth and All Creatures That Inhabit It
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June 16, 2017I’m a Stay-at-Home Dad in a Television Show or Movie
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December 3, 2016Dad of Newborn Girl Explains the Importance of Women’s Issues to a Table of Women at a Coffee Shop
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June 17, 2016Rules for My Kids That I Enforce With the Relentlessness of a Starving Wolverine
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February 18, 2016Ted Cruz Presidential Campaign Promise or Fourth Grade Student Council Campaign Promise?
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 28, 2024The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets
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November 1, 2024I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6
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November 1, 2024270 Reasons: Because on January 6, I Was More Afraid Working at the Capitol Than During My Entire Army Deployment to Iraq
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November 1, 2024Template for Donald Trump’s “I Don’t Accept the Election Results” Speeches
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October 31, 2024This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner