A young dad, feels 98
Won the lottery, blew it on childcare that day
It’s a french fry in your Chardonnay
It’s a fresh diaper grabbed two seconds too late
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

It’s like rain on your park playdate
It’s a free kids meal when you’ve already paid
It’s the sleep advice that you just didn’t take
And who would’ve thought, it figures

Ms. Always Prepared was ready to fly
Kid carried his suitcase, but all he did was cry,
She packed their whole damn house before that flight
And as her kid kicked a seat, she thought,
“Welp, better this than lice.”
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

It’s like pain when your tween calls someone “bae”
It’s 20 homework sheets when your kid’s in first grade
It’s the [Elmo/Elsa/Roblox/Minecraft] cake that you just couldn’t bake
And who would’ve thought, it figures

Well, kids have a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay, and it’s safe to eat brownie bites,
And kids have a funny way of helping you mix
Baking soda and vinegar all wrong, and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when they gotta urinate
A no-screaming sign on your screaming break
It’s like 10,000 kiddie spoons when all you need is one real spoon to eat your cholesterol-lowering oatmeal like a grown-up for once in your life
It’s meeting the mom-friend of my dreams
And then finding her Herbalife site

And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
A little too fucking ironic
And, yeah, I really do think

It’s like rain on your child’s birthday
It’s kids playing in the house, when you just did a French braid
It’s when Childless Dave’s advice is as bad as you’d think
And who would’ve thought, it figures

And yeah, kids have a funny way of leaking stuff on you
Kids have a funny, funny way of helping you out
But helping you out means you actually have to do MORE work
Which is kind of funny when you think about it
If you’re not crying, you’re tossing a baking spoon in the air
Because there is flour everywhere
Like literally everywhere
How did that happen?
The recipe didn’t even call for flour!

Helping you out…
please help me out.