It’s five o’clock, it’s Friday, and I’m feeling good. My confidence is turned up to eleven. I can barely even stand it. I just had a productive-ass day at the law offices of Dixon, Jeffers & Shandwick, and I’m all jazzed up. So I’m going to call up my bro Nate right now and shoot the shit with him really loudly.
Nate-dawg! What up, pussy?
You guys hear that? Only best buds call each other “pussies.” I wouldn’t just call another dude a “pussy” if he wasn’t totally chill and we weren’t super tight. But as you can tell, we’re both laid back as shit because of how we address each other with obscenities.
Bro, I totally nailed that deposition today…
Sorry, Nate-dawg and I were just talking shop. He’s a lawyer, too. Did I mention I’m a lawyer? Whatever. Do you guys even know how much lawyers make? A fuckload. Hence our dinner plans to go out and get some Kobe beef sliders. FUCK, YEAH. KOBE BEEF SLIDERS, YO.
Bro, did I tell you how much tail I’m going to score this weekend, bro? It won’t even be funny, bro. You, though? Not so sure, bro, not so sure [laughs]…
Show of hands, bus people: How many chicks you think my bro Nate-Dawg will bang this weekend?… Zero? DING-DING-DING! Correct. Anyone who thinks higher than zero failed and should get the off the bus. Ha-ha, just kidding, idiots.
What the fuck, bro?! What the fuck are you talking ‘bout, bro? What the FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ‘BOUT, BRO?!? OH, MAN! [laughs]…
Sorry for laughing so hard, you guys. Nate-dawg just reminded me of one of our inside jokes from college. So fucking hilarious. I doubt you guys would get our jokes, though. They’d probably make some of you ‘nilla wafers puke they’re so damn insensitive. You all seem pretty uptight compared to our crazy asses. I mean, no offense or anything, losers.
Alright, catch you later, bro… HA! No, no: I’ll catch YOU later [cackles]…
[Sighs] Thank god that’s over. Time for some real talk, bus people. Nate-dawg is not that awesome. He’s actually kind of a jerk, and I honestly don’t enjoy his misogynistic sense of humor. But he’s the only guy I know in this city. If any of you are are interested in hanging, I’d be down. I would literally be up for doing anything with anyone on this bus. I’m so goddamn lonely. I don’t even see what the big deal is about Kobe beef. Beef is beef. I dropped half my paycheck on Kobe beef sliders last month. I can’t live like this anymore.
Anyone want to hug it out?