Congratulations on your new health insurance policy! We here at CelerMortem look forward to serving you and supporting your health in all the ways required by Trumpcare. Use this coverage guide to determine the benefits for which you are eligible under your policy. We suggest laminating the punch-out card below and carrying it in your wallet for easy reference!

Your benefits

  • Diagnostic scans such as PET or CT: COVERED (maximum 1 per lifetime)
  • Emergency care for those literally hit by a bus: COVERED (maximum lifetime benefit: $500; bus must exceed 25 feet in length)
  • Reflex check performed by hitting your knee with a little rubber hammer: COVERED (maximum 1 per knee per lifetime)
  • Calls to phone line with a recording of medical personnel telling you not to bend it that way if it hurts: COVERED (no limit; note, standard long-distance charges may apply; may not be an actual MD)
  • Asexual reproduction: COVERED

Special coverage for our white, male subscribers over age 55

  • Viagra (prescription medication): COVERED (unlimited)
  • Suspicious mole removal: COVERED

Coverage exclusions

Procedures and care not specifically described on this card: NOT COVERED

Questions or concerns about your coverage? Call 202-225-2031 and ask for Paul.