Dear Sir(s) and/or Madam(s):
Congratulations, and welcome to the True International First Church of BrainSelf™!
If you are receiving this unbelievably free pamphlet at your home address, then you may already know that the T.I.F.C. of BrainSelf™ (T.I.F.C.O.B.S.) is a growing faith of literally dozens, referred to in a recent Orange County Register article as a “totally … unbelievable … [religion].” It’s safe, fun, and practically free of charge when you consider all the benefits! This religion has got it all: a creation story, a great prophet, all kinds of rules and rituals, weekly meetings at the Olive Garden, even a Bible (two-fifths done)!
A terrific religion! Three cheers for BrainSelf™!
Wondering if BrainSelf™ is right for you? Then take a moment to complete our patented “Are You A BrainSelfist™?” questionnaire. Simply answer the following questions in your head with a “Yes,” “No,” or “Not Sure”:
1. Do you sometimes feel dissatisfied with work, family, or friends?
2. Do you ever feel as if you’re not reaching your full potential?
3. Have you ever had a cold or sinus infection?
4. Do you make over $25,000 a year?
5. Good credit history?
6. Do you enjoy fun events like pizza parties and sock hops?
7. Would you like to eat dinner at the Olive Garden at least once a week?
If you answered “Yes” or “Not Sure” to at least two of the questions above, then BrainSelf™ is almost certainly the answer you’ve been looking for!
BrainSelf™ is a faith with a long and rich tradition. Founded in 1998 in Prophet Will Tracy’s mother’s basement in Torrance, BrainSelf™ seeks to answer life’s Big Questions™, such as:
1. Who am I?
2. Where am I going?
3. Is it safe?
4. Why is the room spinning?
5. Can I leave now?
6. What do I owe you?
Incredible! How do we do it? Well, first we Electricute you.
No, not “electrocute”! That would be crazy! (And illegal.) Electricution™ (two i’s) is a process whereby feelings are monitored by a machine and ranked on a scale of one to ten, where “ten” is a very intense feeling and “one” is most likely not a feeling at all but probably just some glitch in the machine. (Sometimes it doesn’t work right.) Examples of feelings include: Curiosity, Boredom, Fatigue, Hunger, Confusion, Urge to Conserve Monetary Funds, Urge to Flee, and Urge to Contact City and/or State Law-Enforcement Agencies. If you encounter any of these feelings during the Electricution™, that means it’s working!
After enjoying a complimentary jalapeño-popper lunch in our commissary / laundry room, you and one (1) guest will be whisked away in a wheelbarrow to the Chamber of the Oracle™, where the Score-A-Tron™ will evaluate your Electricution™ results and determine if you, in fact, qualify for Level 1A initiation!
Hooray for BrainSelf™! Hooray for Prophet Will Tracy!
Next, founding prophet Will Tracy will personally anoint all successful applicants (we currently post a 98 percent success rate) with cooking oil during his lunch break at the Ruby Tuesday in Glendale. Due to the high volume of potential initiates and the limited flexibility in Prophet Tracy’s schedule, some initiates will either be anointed by proxy or at the stroke of 6 in the parking lot behind Chili’s. Also, please remember to present the following items to Prophet Tracy upon anointment:
1. $75.00 in cash.
2. Social Security number.
3. Any spare snacks/drinks.
4. One (1) car.
5. Room in your car for one (1) or more passengers.
6. Enough gas in car to drive Prophet Tracy to mother’s home. (Gas stipend not provided.)
7. Toll money. (Approx. $1.75.)
8. An open mind!
Once all initiates have been anointed, they will be treated to another jalapeño-popper meal (at a discounted rate) and instructed to wait in the garage. What happens next is a surprise. Don’t worry, though, it’s not a bad surprise! It’s a very, very good Surprize™ that you will most likely enjoy. (Initiates should be forewarned that Prophet Will Tracy and the True International First Church of BrainSelf™ are in no way legally responsible for any physical or emotional distress that may be incurred during the course of the Surprize™.)
Huzzah! BrainSelf™! Huzzah! Huzzah!
And BrainSelf™ is also a very popular faith among those in the entertainment industry! Just a few of the many famous BrainSelfists™, past and present:
1. “Partygoer No. 4” (Meet Joe Black)
2. Mary Danson (cousin of Ted)
3. Phil Spector (honorary)
4. Entire 1990 Charlotte Hornets bench
Wow! So quit futilely searching for answers about life’s ethereal plane; mail your money order of $123.00 (easy to remember) today to the True International First Church of BrainSelf™, P.O. Box 4205, Burbank, CA 91507 (please, no calls, e-mails, or other nonmonetary correspondence) and begin the exciting ride down Prophet Tracy’s never-ending stream of objective truth!
Sincerely,
Prophet Will Tracy
(P.S. Offer of dinner at Olive Garden valid only through 11/08. Subject to monetary restrictions.)