For the 2016-2017 School Year
September
1. Times I needed _____ to help me:
- Two strong boys: 0
- Two strong girls: 2
2. Students who have a higher level than me on Pokémon Go: 6
- Because they played fair: 1
- Because they hacked the system: 5
3. Hackers: 5
- 80% 8th grade boys
- 20% 4th grade girls
4. Minutes spent contemplating death while…
- Waiting for the copy machine: 65
- Choreographing 7th & 8th grade seating charts: 45
5. New requested translations: 3
- To have “no chill” (7th grade)
- “Bush did 9/11” (8th grade)
- “lit” (7th grade)
… and 24 of “Who can tell [student] what I just said?”
October
1. Picture Day:
- 1 in 4 girls wear a headband
- 1 in 3 boys wear a tie
- 1 in 6 boys wear a bowtie
- 1 in 20 children forget it’s picture day
2. Suggested Halloween costumes: 6
- Salsa dancer emoji (5th grade)
- Harambe (7th grade)
- Another teacher (4th grade)
- The principal (4th grade)
- Pokéball (6th grade)
- Myself (8th grade)
3. Thing I never thought I’d hear:
- “Can we sing you a Rihanna song instead of the Happy Birthday song?” (by an 8th grader)
4. Thing I never thought I’d say:
- “Get your mouth off that aquarium” (to an 8th grader)
5. New requested translations: 2
- “Throw shade” (8th grade)
- “Turn up” (7th grade)
… and 39 of “Can I erase the board for you?”
November
1. “Can I…?”
- Get a drink: 87
- Sharpen my pencil: 24
- Go to the bathroom: 156
2. Pens exploded: 4
- 75% black
- 25% blue
- 100% by 7th grade boys
4. Times I’ve called a mom: 3
- 100% for 8th grade boys
5. Times I’ve been called “Mom”: 1
- 100% by 8th grade boys
6. New requested translations: 4
- “Pretty fly for a white guy” (8th grade)
- “I’m a survivor” (5th grade)
- “Cheeto face” (6th grade)
- “Impeach” (8th grade)
… and 47 of “I forgot what I was gonna say”
December
1. Tissue boxes emptied: 15
2. Ice packs used: 2
3. Pencil cases exploded: 6
4. Pens/pencils dropped: 38
5. 8th graders sent to the office: 4
6. Notes collected: 2
7. Water bottles flipped: 99+
8. Ratio of book to Clifford eraser purchased at the book fair: 1:14
9. Ratio of vocabulary word to naughty word searched for in the Spanish-English dictionaries: 10:3
10. Variations on asking to pee: 5
- “May I use the bathroom?”
- “Can I go to the bathroom?”
- “Can I go to the lav?”
- “¿Puedo ir al baño por favor?”
- “Yo go to the baño por favor?”
11. New requested translations: 1
- “Relationship goals” (4th grade)
… and 36 of “I don’t know, can you?”
January
1. Boxes of girl scout cookies ordered: 6
- Peanut Butter Patties: 1
- S’mores: 1
- Caramel deLites: 4
2. Average length, in inches, between a boy’s shoe and the hemline of his pants, by grade:
- 4th: 0
- 5th: 3
- 6th: 1.5
- 7th: 2
- 8th: 4
3. Overheard conversation of the month:
- 8th grade boy 1: “I heard he ate a pen cap when he was in the 2nd grade.”
- 8th grade boy 2: “Yeah, well I heard he took apart a calculator and ate it button by button.”
3b. Overheard conversation of the month runner-up:
- 3rd grader to fellow 3rd grader: “I got something to tell you on the bus. A real shocker.”
4. Homework passes distributed: 5
- In exchange for a Pokémon card: 1
- In exchange for a birthday treat: 4
… and certainty that, because of this casual relationship with bribery, my contract will be renewed next year: 23%
February
1. Confiscated items: 5
- 20% pen guns
- 80% rubber band guns
2. New lunchtime recipes: 3
- Carrots in pizza sauce (1st grade)
- Celery soaked in chocolate milk (3rd grade)
- Folded chips turned into taco shells (3rd grade)
3. Times I needed _____ to help me:
- Two strong boys: 0
- Two strong girls: 0
- Two strong people: 1
4. Most innovative way to spell bonus, by grade:
- 4th: b-o-u-n-i-c-e
- 5th: b-o-w-n-s
- 6th: b-o-u-n-a-s
- 7th: b-o-n-e-s
- 8th: H-a-r-a-m-b-e
5. New requested translations: 2
- “Netflix and Chill” (7th grade)
- “Illuminati” (4th grade)
… and 16 of “Who can show [student] where we are?”
March
1. Birthday treats: 4
- 75% cupcakes (1 chocolate, 2 vanilla)
- 25% cookie cake
2. Pizza Protocol:
- 1 in 3 students don’t eat crust
- 1 in 10 don’t eat cheese
- 1 in 14 eat neither crust nor cheese
3. Names I still don’t know: 3
4. Number of times I’ve been accused of offering a Pizza Party if everyone passed their test: 2
- Certainty that I did not in fact do this: 32%
5. New requested translations: 2
- “Border wall” (5th grade)
- “Live your truth” (4th grade)
… and 13 of “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”
April
1. Pictures drawn for me: 5
- Of me: 1
- Of them: 4
2. Times an 8th grader asked me what the date was on April 20th: 15
- Times I said “April 20th”: 9
- Times I said “420”: 6 (shit)
3. Easter break:
- 75% of students eat the ears of chocolate bunnies first
- 24.5% of students eat the tail first
- 0.5% of students eat them “limb by limb, then slowly begin at the tail, move around the eyes to the ears, until all that’s left is the head and then the eyes, so they can watch the whole thing” (5th grade)
4. New requested translations: 5
- “420” (8th grade)
- “Fidget spinner” (7th grade)
- “Cash me ousside” (5th grade)
- “Positive reinforcement” (4th grade)
- “Steve Holt” (5th grade)
… and 1 of “Can we yell out Harambe instead of Bingo?” (7th grade)
May
1. Get that _____ out of your mouth: 9
- Chewing gum: 5
- Pen cap: 2
- Shirt collar: 1
- Workbook: 1
2. Forehead smacks: 15
- 80% by 4th graders
- 20% by 8th graders
3. New lunchtime recipes: 2
- White cheddar popcorn on PB&J (2nd grade)
- Oreo subverted by unscrewing and applying one side to a pretzel with a thin layer of pizza sauce (5th grade)
4. New requested translations: 2
- “Cinco de Mayo” (8th grade)
- “Meme” (7th grade)
… and 17 of “May the fourth be with you”
June
1. Surface area ratio of child to backpack:
- Kindergarten: 1:1.15
- 4th grade: 1:0.65
- 8th grade: 1:0.3
2. New lunchtime recipes: 2
- Cheese stick in Jell-O (3rd grade)
- Fruit snacks under cheese on pizza (kindergarten)
3. Noteworthy final project proposals: 2
- “Can I write a couple obituaries in Spanish?” (8th grade)
- “Can we call our restaurant ‘9/11 Inside Job’?” (7th grade)
4. Report cards:
- Total students: 230
- “Student is a pleasure to have in class”: 210
- Other: 20
5. New requested translations: 3
- “YouTuber” (7th grade)
- “Hashtag” (6th grade)
- “Health goth” (8th grade)
… and 75 of “Absolutely not”