Actual Answers to the Question “What or Who Is the Greatest Love of Your Life?” That Were Not, to My Surprise, “You”

Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Stupidity

Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee’s Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial

Actual Answers to Questions From a Reading Comprehension Booklet

Inevitable Questions from My Daughter, and How I Plan to Answer Them

Great Philosophers on Santa’s Naughty and Nice Lists

An Art Nouveau Calendar for a Terrible Fucking Year

An Open Letter to Sarah from Love Actually, to Be Delivered In the Two Seconds Before She Answers Her Phone for the Second Time While Karl Is Tenderly Dry Humping Her

A Producer Attempts to Pitch The Nutcracker