Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee’s Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial

American cats sit around all day on plush antique love seats that must cost at least 10,000 North Korean won.

Cats in the United States get to choose. Between poultry and seafood. Between fillet and pâté. Between sliced and minced turkey. What?

Cats in America are waited on by their own personal butler.

Cats are so rich in America that they are able to afford their own mansion that must cost at least 10 million North Korean won.

I suppose it is better to have a reclusive cat than a reclusive dictator.

This cat is taking self-reliance to a whole new level.

This commercial brings back memories of a difficult childhood in Pyongyang, when my pet cat, Mr. Finicky Timbers, ran away and tried to cross the demilitarized zone, unsuccessfully, making it through the razor wire but then … the land mine.

And the international community is worried about North Korea’s development of weapons of mass destruction?

In America, cats eat choice cuts of chicken out of handcrafted crystal Tiffany goblets.