With Michele Bachmann not seeking re-election, Texas Congressman Louis Gohmert is poised to bravely take the baton to fight for all of the things we hold dear. Whether it’s fighting for an oil pipeline, if only because its presence helps caribou have sex; investigating the proliferation of terror babies; or simply reminding the public that the Muslim Brotherhood is controlling the FBI; Louis Gohmert asks the hard questions. As his exposure increases, here are a few more he should toss out there…
What’s to prevent every Muslim on the planet from organizing, then one day rising and all running in the same direction—in order to reverse earth’s rotation and send the whole planet back in time? Has anyone studied the science behind this? Could it happen? If you say no, why should I be compelled to believe you? Are you on “their” side?
If they were able to pull this off, what sort of nefarious goals might Muslims collectively accomplish? What if they ran and ran and stopped just as JFK was gaining power, say 1960? What if they seduced him with a Muslim sleeper female? Would he have sexual relations with her? Would they use dental dams? Would the course of history change? A lot or a little? What would St. Louis look like? Would there be hot dogs anymore?
Speaking of food, how many family recipes—American ones—do you suppose have been given away to other countries for free, no thanks to Google? If you put a classic family recipe on a blog, and someone from Sweden or Laos uses it, is that fair? Shouldn’t someone be getting paid for that? Wouldn’t a deceased grandma be chagrined to know that a foreigner was adding curry powder to her lemon bar recipe? Effectively bastardizing it forever more?
And while we’re on the subject of grandparents—dead ones—do you find it plausible that Muslim astronauts might be training right now for a mission to find the Christian heaven? To disrupt, terrorize and/or enslave the souls of our loved ones? Could they be aided by the Chinese, financially, in this regard? And if these astronauts are able to fly and or soar to our heaven—the real one, not their own lesser version, populated with hymen-intact princesses—couldn’t they conceivably send the soul of a Grandma to America to convince a grandchild, we’ll call him Timmy, to support gay marriage or destroy a school administrator’s property with eggs? “She came to me in a vision, mom, what was I supposed to do?” What if these astronauts kidnapped Jesus? Or what if they couldn’t kidnap Jesus, but merely convinced everyone they had done so?
Why was Kim Kardashian constantly flying around the world when she was so pregnant? Hasn’t she been pregnant for a long time? Since like, August of 2010? Was she really pregnant? To whom does this “baby” actually “belong”? How did it get to where it is now? Was Ms. Kardashian’s pregnancy—and I’m purely talking her expanded belly region, really—perhaps some type of data collecting device, similar to Google’s glasses? Was she travelling the world collecting intelligence for some entity? Would she ever consider making out with a member of the U.S. government, specifically one from Texas who likes harmonica music and the smell of wet sheepdogs?
Whatever happened to floor hockey?
Could a state like Hawaii be chained up with cutting-edge technology, then dragged or towed away without us knowing it? Maybe one of the smaller islands? Do you know for a fact if they are all still there right now? Has anyone counted them recently?
Couldn’t an expert hacker go onto Google Street View and start controlling the people who were filmed in there? Couldn’t someone with these skills search the address of a bank and send a person depicted in front of that bank inside to rob it and then send you the funds via PayPal?
We spend billions to train people in foreign languages, but what about deciphering text messages in other languages? All Muslim languages are filled with squiggles and things of that nature, not our traditional alphabetical characters, so does anyone know how, precisely, these people text? What do the emoticons look like in their languages? Are they designing emoticons to specifically appeal to American teenagers? With languages so dense with bizarrely shaped characters, are their smart phones the size of dinner plates? Who makes them? Were any U.S. companies ever allowed to bid on those jobs?
People are concerned about Monsanto but are we taking a closer look at the people who breed livestock? Do they reach a point in their career where they’ve seen too much animal fornication?
Can call centers based in India or Pakistan “tap into” old conversations I have had on a particular cellphone? How does that work? How much do they know already?
And do cell phone conversations weigh anything? With all of this stuff bouncing off of satellites, could they actually create a physical haze-like environment? Could they be the root meteorological cause of a tornado? Is there a new friction in the air that the FCC is trying to hide from us?
Has anyone looked into fortune cookie messages lately? Do any of them come with inspirational messages, or are they just loaded with cryptic mumbo jumbo that causes self-doubt? How much time do we waste reading them? Is there anyone we could enlist to find out geographically what part of the world or of our country gets “the best” fortune cookie messages? What is our metric for judging them? Could this be done without extreme caloric intake? If you just were reading messages from fortune cookies without actually eating the accompanying meal, does the fortune cookie “work”? Or no?