It’s well-documented that women have advantages in many fields, including engineering and comedy. In fact, the only reason a tech company would ever hire a woman is for diversity. Still, many don’t know the full extent of how much stuff women get just because of affirmative action. I’ve made a complete list of all the things I’ve received simply because I’m a woman.
Birth
The only reason my mother chose to grow me, a woman, in her uterus is because she knew the world should give women a chance to be alive, even if we were less deserving. I think my mom went a little overboard with the affirmative action, though, because she actually had three girls and only one boy. Still, all of her children were born white — not sure if that was an oversight or intentional.
The unconditional love of my parents
Not a lot of people know this, but parents just give their daughters love unconditionally no matter what, probably because girls need more praise and attention, while boys are tough and strong. My male friends are always shocked to learn that my parents loved me unconditionally when they all had to work for their parents’ affection.
A seat on the school bus
If school buses were to give seats only to the students who deserved them, all their seats would be taken by boys. However, they were generous enough to give the girls seats too, for diversity. As a child, I shuddered thinking of all the more-deserving boys who didn’t get to sit on the school bus. Actually, now that I think about it, we all got seats. It was a school bus.
A perfect SAT score
Everyone knows you get like 100 points on the SAT just by writing your name, but not a lot of people know you get another 2400 points if you select ‘female’ as your gender. It’s because the College Board wants girls to feel smart even though they’re not. I actually wrote my name correctly (impressive for a woman) and said I was female, so I got about a 2500 — I asked my dad to do the addition for me — on the SAT. Whenever people ask me my SAT score (which happens a shocking amount considering I’m 26, and perhaps I need to consider dating different men), I’m always embarrassed to tell them. “I got a really high score, but only because I’m a woman!” I say. I’d never want a man to think I was ungrateful for my privilege.
Admission to an elite university
I went to an elite university. The big elephant in the room at elite universities is that if they had a blind admissions process, their classes would be 100% male. They have to admit girls who are less qualified in order to be diverse. Also, if they didn’t have any girls, who would the boys have sex with? “If you’re only letting girls in for sex reasons, couldn’t you pick more attractive girls?" The men (boys) often asked. “No,” responded the administration, “because they have to look smart.” It often pained me to imagine the extremely deserving male who didn’t get in because I did; he probably works at a gas station now.
Election to public office
As we all know, there are women in the government. This is because when a woman runs for public office, many people will vote for her not because she’s qualified but just because they’re scared she’ll cry and/or menstruate if she loses. Just look at the 2016 presidential election — some people voted for a woman.
A discount on my Amazon Prime membership
Amazon knows that women don’t really know how to make money good or how to spend money good, so they were kind enough to offer a special discount for women only. Even though we’re slower to figure out the world, Amazon wants us to know that they care that women be able to buy the things we want, like makeup, moisturizer, and tampons.
The love and attention of kind men on the subway
We all know that women get more attention than men on public transit, but a lot of people don’t realize it’s because men are trying to make things fair for us. They’re nice enough to compliment our bodies or touch on on the subway because they’re progressive and believe women deserve chances to succeed, even if we don’t actually deserve them.
Laid
This only happens to women because men feel sorry for us and throw us a bone every now and then.