[ The kidnapper wrestles a cell phone from his victim. He places it to his ear and listens. A retired CIA agent, played by AGING ACTION STAR, speaks. ]

I know you are there. Listen carefully. My name is Bryan Johnson. You have kidnapped my daughter. That was a mistake. If you let her go now, this ends today. If not, I will attempt to find you. I emphasize the word “attempt.”

Be scared. I have a computer. A 1995 Compaq desktop. Do not judge me. It was a hand-me-down. Loading takes time, but it still gets the job done. I will Google some, but not all, of the features my daughter shrieked over the phone. To be honest, I have forgotten most of the words she yelled. You have a unibrow, right? Or did she say something about a bald spot? I wasn’t writing anything down on paper. Point is: I will try to remember. This research will steer me right to your gang’s hideout. Or, more likely, it will lead to a dead end, which will cause me to spiral into a deep depression. I will spend the next few days curled up on a couch watching silly clips of people falling on YouTube to keep my mind off the fact that I am absolutely helpless in this situation.

But I won’t give up.

After a few days rest, I will ask local authorities for their assistance. They’ll reject me on the grounds that this case is outside their jurisdiction. I will not argue with the police because, as my ex-wife always used to complain, I am “half-a-man.” Once again, I will find myself balled up on a couch watching clips of pandas sneezing. But I will gather my composure, and I will become a man, possessed.

I will spend every waking minute deducing your whereabouts. Okay, maybe not “every” waking minute. Primarily during lunch breaks at my part-time Walmart job. Do not laugh. Many people have been forced out of retirement. The economy is in shambles, my 401K shattered. A man of my skill set is capable of much more than just tracking down lowlifes such as yourself. Age is just a number. Catch my drift? Please don’t tell my daughter about my secret day job. I’m embarrassed.

Once I’ve pinpointed your position, prepare for all Hell to break loose. I will scour Orbitz, Kayak, Bing and other travel websites for cheap airfare to Europe. I will purchase a one-way ticket abroad on a Wednesday to maximize savings. Do you understand me? I’m coming for you! Do not flee your current location, though, as this trip will take several days, perhaps weeks, what with all the layovers and connecting flights. It would not be fair for you to run. The last thing I need right now is an additional challenge in apprehending you.

After landing, I will find myself lost the second I exit the airport terminal. The convertible Fiat I rented through FreeEuroCarz.biz will turn out to be a scam. I will learn a valuable life lesson: never send thousands of dollars in cash to a shady company in advance.

My lack of foreign language skills will also quickly get the best of me. But I will purchase a small English-to-"Some Language” dictionary in an attempt to blend-in. I will butcher the native tongue and anger the locals. They will not aid my quest because I am yet another ignorant American invading their homeland. But then I will flash a gun in public and squeeze off a few rounds to show that I mean business.

This will result in my arrest. I will be detained. My revenge will be delayed.

I will be released on $100,000 bail, though. My lawyer will inform me that I cannot leave the country until a date for my trial has been set. I will explain that travel restrictions between countries is not an issue, as my original intent was to run amok all over Europe in an attempt to murder you. He will sigh in disgust, scolding me for identifying Europe as one large country. He will then advise me against any murderous rampages, emphasizing the seriousness of the charges. I will tune him out. Litigation will take months. Financially, I will be ruined. But, in the back of my head, I will always remember why I came to Europe: to stalk you, and kill you.

Well, probably not kill. I’ve never killed a person before and don’t really think I have the guts to pull the trigger. I was more of a “desk jockey” in the CIA. To be sure, I will fire several bullets in your general direction. This should scare you into letting my daughter go. Please do not bring any weapons. I would not fare well in a gun fight. Let’s try and keep this war to grumbled, verbal threats.

Holy shit! I just did a basic ticket search for one-way flights to Europe and haven’t found anything cheaper than $2,742 plus tax. Let’s restart this conversation, shall we?

My name is Bryan Johnson. You kidnapped my daughter and, for fiscal reasons, I am not coming to execute you. I kindly ask you to let my daughter go.

[ Sound of phone on other end of line hanging up. ]

Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Well, that certainly could have gone better.