Posted by u/KarenInCana 2,100 years ago
(Throwaway account so my husband’s cousin’s weird followers don’t pile on me later.)
So I (23f) planned this really gorgeous wedding in Cana, Galilee at a hall that’s usually impossible to book (the waitlist is longer than the last census of Quirinius!), but I got the local centurions to do me a favor so we not only got the place but at half price! I was kind of down because of Herod’s recent massacres, so I just wanted everyone to have a great time — you know, dancing, drinking, maybe a little sacrificial lamb to the gods.
I told my husband (25f) that he could really invite anyone but I forgot that would include his weird cousin Jesus (33m) and his mother, Mary (40-ishf and who arguably started this whole thing, but I’ll get to that later). Jesus has always been kind of a show-off — dude has a little cult of personality or something. I don’t really pay attention to it because I’m working on myself — but I let it go because for some reason my husband really thinks his cousin is the best thing since unleavened bread and I just wanted to make him happy.
So the wedding’s going great and Jesus is (typically) late (his dad made our chuppah tho, he’s cool), which is fine because I was already pretty tipsy and doing the hora my bridesmaid started. Then the caterers came up to me saying I had violated our contract by bringing outside drinks and was liable for a penalty four times the initial cost.
I was shocked because I DEFINITELY didn’t violate our contract, but then some idiot brings me this stone jar filled with wine. Now those things are supposed to be for water so we have fewer people puking in the barn out back, so of course I get suspicious. I go to investigate, and Jesus and his mother Mary are presiding over a crowd of people claiming he performed a “miracle” by turning water into wine. I don’t believe this for a second, but Mary told everyone there wasn’t any wine left (which was untrue) and Jesus was ordering the staff to bring out more jars so he could work on them.
Excuse me!?! This was my wedding!! Not a space for you to promote your weird cult!! When I said this to Jesus, he had the nerve to tell me that his “miracle wine” was better than anything we were serving. I was so angry and offended, I told them to leave but everyone kept whispering as if I was the crazy person.
Some guests were like, Hey, you should be so proud! Your wedding was the site of a major event whose historical, political, and spiritual ramifications we have yet to understand — let this one slide! Isn’t it great that you didn’t even have to pay for the booze??
But am I wrong to think that’s complete bullshit? Because the caterers definitely didn’t care about the historical, political, and spiritual ramifications of this when they invoiced me, not to mention all the drunkards who cost me my deposit when they puked everywhere!! If I remember correctly, God said plenty of things about drunks and I don’t see Jesus doing anything about them.
As I mentioned, this was supposed to be my special day, a day all of Cana should have remembered for one hell of a party. Now it’s all about this “miracle” that Jesus did and my wedding is relegated to a footnote in history.
I told my husband that we’re making Jesus and his mother pay for half the cost since it was their fault this all happened in the first place, but he won’t stand up for us. He thinks Jesus did us a favor and I’m being “unreasonable” and “inhospitable” to his family members. I feel so unsupported, I moved back home into my dad’s house until he apologizes and makes his family pay the tab, but am I the asshole because Jesus and his mom made my wedding day all about them?
EDIT: In response to all the comments, yes the miracle wine was actually pretty good, but that’s not the point!!
EDIT 2: I’m going to stop answering comments because so many of you think I’m “missing the bigger picture.” Do you know what I had planned for the money I now have to pay? I was going to stash a little away so our future son could get a temple education, like the one Jesus just walked right into. Not all of us are lucky enough to be proclaimed the Son of God and get a full-ride with the Pharisees.
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p3terofRock: NTA jesus meant well, he’s just bad at communicating.
jesuslover_223: YTA, you dont deserve jesus!!! I hope you never get your deposit back!!!
Canaanprinces$: NTA I TOTALLY agree with you, you’re definitely in the right here, omg my husband’s relatives are also insane how did u swing that wedding hall tho.
KarenInCana: UPDATE I moved back in with my husband — our first kid is on the way!! — but we heard something was “going down” with Jesus out in Jerusalem so I decided to let it go. Anyway, Jesus promised to do us a solid and get us an in with his “Father Who Art in Heaven,” which sounds useful for the future, but not sure. Sounds sketchy. IDK, we’ll see.
heRoDs_biTCH: NTA but have to ask, was the wine any good?
the_real_sonofGod: YTA This Jesus guy sounds like he has some cool ideas, actually? Maybe instead of complaining about the FREE wine he provided your wedding guests you should follow him around for a while. I know, like, twelve guys who do this and they’re usually pretty smart about these kinds of things. idk just an idea.