Most people think artists are born, not made. That Van Gogh left the womb and immediately painted his mother’s portrait, charged her for the cost of materials, and used to the money to buy an ear-removing knife.

Incorrect.

Artists are normal people who hone their craft over years of study and practice, whether they be painters or writers or those who seduce sexual partners through bullshit manipulation disguised as psychology. I will focus on this latter form of artistry to help you reach your true alpha male potential the best way possible, by reading a book and completing exercises written by me, a man who has almost had sex nearly several-ish times.

Before introducing the methodology of my pick-up artist system, I want to give you a symbolic mental image. Picture a gardener and a tree. Now realize that gardener didn’t make that tree. No, he planted a seed and nurtured it with care and water over many years until it became that tree.

Can you picture that?

Great. Now picture yourself after my teachings, a strong alpha male, charging up to that beta gardener, pushing him over, and then seducing that beautiful tree.

With this book you will be able to do that. You will be able to fuck trees and anything else you want.

You’re suspicious of such a bold tree-fucking claim, I’m sure, but understand that it will only be possible if you put in the work and effort. Rome was not negged in a day.

Here are just a few examples of the exercises you’ll find in this book that will make you a master of applied sexism and assure your place in the lowest, douchiest circle of Hell.

Morning Pages: You will begin each day by writing three pages of disgusting stream of conscious pick-up lines. Do not overthink these. These are merely used to start your day off in the right, creepy dude mindset. After finishing, try saying some of the lines to yourself while looking into a mirror. If you can still look yourself in the eye at the end, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Artist Dates: These are trips taken by yourself to places that will fuel your pick-up creativity and help you practice your skills. Go to a museum and flirt with a statue that can’t possibly mace you! Go to a lake and give the prettiest duck a backhanded compliment that you think will leave it wanting you! Go to jail when someone at the museum or lake reports you and attempt to use your newfound charm to persuade the police not to press charges!

Prompts: Throughout the book, you’ll answer creative prompts to help unlock your inner vileness. Ex. “If you could walk up to any historical figure, living or dead, at a bar and invade their personal space using rehearsed ‘I’m not a cuck’ mannerisms and stuttered, cringe-worthy witticisms, who would it be and how would you avoid the vomit that comes out of their living or dead mouth afterwards?”

These exercises, along with many more I came up with while fighting back tears of bitter loneliness, are augmented by hundreds of affirmations that, when said aloud, will put you in the correct headspace necessary for you to demean an entire other gender of human beings. Here are some of my favorites.

  • “Let your inspiration find you. Never feel the need to invent a pick-up line. You are not an inventor. Inventors are welcomed and appreciated members of society. That doesn’t sound like you, does it? No, you are a vessel for repulsive words to flow through, like a sewage pipe of language.”
  • “Sex is like a Rubik’s Cube. It seems complicated at first and it hurts your hands and it was cooler in the eighties, but once you recognize the patterns and learn the algorithms necessary to beat it, well it’s still pretty impossible. So just lie and say you’ve solved hundreds. Sometimes two at once.”
  • “The only thing stopping you from fucking a tree is yourself.”

It is time. You are about to embark on a transformative voyage of self-deception and skeevyness.

Can I guarantee that by the end you’ll be a full-fledged pick-up artist, going home with a different attractive woman or spruce every night of the week? No.

Can I guarantee you’ll be a more resentful goblin of a man blaming all of his romantic failures on others? Yes, that I can do, my goblin friend.

Now turn the page and start your journey to become the Van Gogh of pick-up artists, and after your first successful foray, please please please tell me what sex is like.