Shh, shh. Quiet everybody, careful with your footfalls. Let me just see if this is what I think… oh, boy. Oh, how lucky.
OK, gang: look over there at that elm across the trail, next to the rock outcropping. And then up, on the fourth branch from the bottom. See it? Those two sparrows are fucking.
House Sparrows, Passer domesticus. Very, very common though not originally from this area. Note the drab coloring, the thick bill for cracking seeds, and the powerful though spastic thrusting of the male into the female.
Wow! There he goes, off into the air. Well, that was exciting while it lasted — oh no here he comes again, right back down, right back to the fucking. Oh, yes! This is a better angle — notice the coloration on the neck and chest. That black bib is often a display of the pecking order amongst males. The larger the bib, the more dominant the male is. Though this guy doesn’t seem to be having a problem with his smaller bib. Oh, wow. This bird is just built for boning.
Don’t you just love these birds? Don’t you wish you could be one of these small, hyper-sexual creatures? Jesus, I do. Every day I awake and I curse this non-bird body, this 34-year old male prison. No, Gladys, we’re not leaving! It’s not gross — it’s natural, it’s beautiful, it’s highly erotic. I mean, this is why I got into birding. This nasty stuff right here.
Use your binoculars to get a closer look. Really zoom in. You don’t often see birds going hog wild like this. I bet their nest is nearby — sparrows build nests in almost any crevice they can find, stuffing it with rough material, which they then line with softer things, like these pine needles on the trail. Sometimes they mate in the nest, and sometimes they just unabashedly pork out in the open on a branch, like these two. Man, talk about stuffing a nest with rough materials. Is anyone else aroused?
Whoa. Okay, am I dreaming? Did they just switch positions? I had no idea sparrows had any conception of sexual positions. This is exactly like my fantasies. It’s like these sparrows read my notebooks. This is not only the sexiest bird-banging I’ve ever seen, but might be of great scientific importance.
Is anyone getting pictures of this? For later? Many sparrows are monogamous, which is probably why these two seem so comfortable with each other. Good point, Gerald; maybe they did get into a fight earlier and are making up with each other. Wow, he’s really getting into her flight feathers there. Christ, this is hot.
You know, interestingly, both the males and females tend to the eggs. The female will lay up to eight eggs in a clutch, though with this rogering it could be more like twelve. I haven’t seen birds drilling each other like this in years. Not since the drought we had almost a decade ago, which sparked the birds into a desperate, frenzied lust like we’re seeing here. I had to take down my feeder because my kids were so traumatized.
I mean this is some Olympic gold-medal winning bird fucking right here, folks… GOD. Oh no! NO! There they go… flying down. I guess they finally tired out. Wow, that was tremendous. What a sight. Oh look, they’re taking a dust bath together. Sparrows do this to clean their feathers and get rid of parasites and each other’s junk after they have sex.
Well, that was certainly exciting. Oh, what is this? Did anyone clock how many seconds that was? We, the Martin Brook Senior Center Birding Society and Youth Guests, are in a unique position to measure the male sparrow’s refractory period. Looks like it’s under fifteen seconds… and he’s right back at it. Incredible!
Yes, Gladys, on point: we will really have trouble sleeping tonight. We should probably head back home anyway. I have a TON of stuff to add to my birding journal. I could use a shower too — am I right, guys? Whew! What a day!