May the wind be always at your back and of insufficient speed to require creation of a Category 6.

May the gerrymander in which your home lies be amenable to your interests.

May the beefs of your generation’s rappers be diverting.

If you’re ever filmed in a public altercation, may the viral version portray you in a kind light.

May the ratio of your likes to your replies be always in your favor.

May the rains fall soft upon your fields and then stop before causing catastrophic flooding.

May the available emoji suffice to express the yearnings of your heart.

May Cardi B offer to dogwalk your enemies.

May every show you wish to watch appear on the streaming service you already subscribe to.

May your children’s children not inherit your student loan debt.

May the entities monitoring your every purchase, utterance, and movement online and in the public sphere be benign.

If you live in a border state, may your papers be in order.

May God give you, for every tear, a smile, for every storm, a rainbow, and for every traitor, a Robert Mueller.

May there ever be a twinkle in your eye, a spring in your step, and sufficient bandwidth for you to score BTS tickets.

May the road rise to meet you, but not because the Cascadia subduction zone has suddenly awakened.

And should a heartless man place a covetous hand upon you, may Ronan Farrow harrow him until the very end of days.