After a long struggle with unreasonable clients, The Weekend passed away on Friday at 6:32 p.m. It was 32 minutes old.
The Weekend was born on 6:00 p.m. every Friday, and on “fun days,” even earlier. It will be lovingly remembered by federal holidays, sick days, and maternity leave. The Weekend was predeceased by the week between Christmas and New Year’s.
The Weekend’s death was confirmed by a team-member via Slack, who was turning around from a bar to go back to the office. The client’s work culture had long caused health problems for The Weekend, and an email, that was flagged as “IMPORTANT,” was the final cause of death. The email insisted that “we need to have something in a good place by Sunday EOD,” because the principals wanted it Monday morning. Instagram posts reveal that the principals went to the Hamptons.
Originally created for The Sabbath and the ensuing rest, The Weekend was a source of diverse and bountiful fun in 2018. This year, the Weekend provided hikes, lazy mornings, actually good coffee, passion projects, and — in its more loving moments — time with family, people we choose in our lives. Without The Weekend, the team is forced to spend time with each other.
Messages of support from the community flowed:
“The Weekend will be deeply missed,” said the CEO of the client-facing agency in a statement issued via email. Social media posts revealed he was golfing. “I know everybody really liked The Weekend, so I will be donating free meals and booze to the team as they mourn.” Free meals and booze are unhealthy substitutes for The Sabbath and the ensuing rest.
“This is not in the designated scope of work!” cried one team member. “We deserve The Weekend!” Sadly, the client is rich, the scope is irrelevant, and The Weekend is gone.
“This is really important,” said the client.
Long before unapologetic emails marred The Weekend’s health, it said in an interview minutes ago: “I just want everybody to be happy. Getting paid a lot to do nothing but work doesn’t sound rich to me.”
The funeral service will be held on Saturday and Sunday, for eight hours a day, at the office. In lieu of flowers, the bereaved request comp days.