Appropriate Responses to “Have You Considered Freezing Your Eggs?”

Have you considered that I prefer them warm?

Have you considered that I don’t need to because it’s cold enough in my frigid, dead, frigid uterus?

Have you considered that I plan to have kids the old-fashioned way—with a broken condom and a man who seems “good enough”?

Have you considered that I’m considering adopting (a dog)?

Have you considered that I can’t because I sold them all already to get through my MFA program? What did I do with my MFA? None of your goddamn beeswax.

Have you considered that I’d be a horrible mother? I have no manners, as I’ll soon prove to you.

Have you considered that I’m only seven? In hamster years.

Have you considered that children don’t even pay taxes, so what’s the point?

Have you considered Halle Berry? I’ve said enough.

Have you considered that I don’t want kids, I only want succubi?

Have you considered freezing your kidneys? They look a bit overheated.

Have you considered that I don’t have a spare $20,000, and if I did, I’d obviously spend it on catching up on all the dental care I’ve put off for the last decade?

Have you considered donating to my GoFundMe page if you’re so determined for me to procreate? Yes, it’s technically for a short film, but ultimately, it’s really all for my credit card debt.

Have you considered that we barely have healthcare in this country?

Have you considered that the world is becoming rapidly uninhabitable, and therefore, it’s difficult for me to imagine bringing new life into the world?

Have you considered the millions of children in need of adoptive parents? I’m not saying I’m going to adopt; I’m just asking—have you considered them?

Have you considered that you’re the nineteenth person to ask me that?

Have you considered that you’re not my doctor?

Have you considered that I can make my own choices about my body?

Have you considered that at least once an hour, every day, I think about how my fertility will end sooner than I think, and I may spend the rest of my life regretting not having kids?

Have you considered that the only way for a woman over 25 to be spared this question is to start creating babies immediately?

Have you considered that, yes, I’ve considered freezing my eggs? But I’ve decided instead to hold out for the Immaculate Conception.