1.
Stewart and Ian sit in the well-appointed library in Stewart’s mansion. They are playing chess. Ian moves a piece.
IAN
Well, old-friend-turned-arch-nemesis, it seems you’ve foiled my evil plans this time. But someday, I will defeat you.
Stewart moves a piece.
STEWART
Good will always triumph!
Pause. Ian moves another piece.
IAN
Checkmate.
The two men exchange Significant Glances and Ominous Music plays as we…
FADE TO BLACK
2.
Stewart and Ian sit in the well-appointed library in Stewart’s mansion. They are playing cards.
IAN
Well, old-friend-turned-arch-nemesis, it seems you’ve foiled my evil plans this time. But someday, I will defeat you.
STEWART
Good will always triumph!
Pause.
STEWART (CONT’D)
Got any 8s?
IAN
Go fish.
The two men exchange Significant Glances and Ominous Music plays as we…
FADE TO BLACK
3.
Ian and Stewart are playing charades in the well-appointed library in Stewart’s mansion. Stewart guesses as Ian acts out the word.
STEWART
One word. Two syllables. Okay. First syllable. Sounds like…
Ian points to his neck.
STEWART (CONT’D)
Neck. Um… Heck? Dreck? Tech? Check?
Ian nods excitedly.
STEWART (CONT’D)
Hooray! Check! Second syllable. Sounds like…
Ian points to his watch and runs in place.
STEWART (CONT’D)
Time? Checklime? Checkmime? Checkgrime?
Run? Checkbun? Checkfun? Checkgun?
IAN
Late! Mate! Checkmate! Checkmate! Come on!
STEWART
Well you talked so you lose.
IAN
I hate charades.
Ian storms off as we…
FADE TO BLACK
4.
Ian and a group of kindergarteners sit in a circle on the floor of a well-appointed kindergarten classroom. Stewart walks around the exterior of the circle, tapping each child on the head as he passes them.
STEWART
Duck, duck, duck, duck—good will
always triumph—duck, duck…
Stewart taps Ian on the head.
STEWART (CONT’D)
Goose!
Ian chases Stewart around the circle as the children giggle with delight and Ominous Music plays as we…
FADE TO BLACK
5.
Ian and Stewart approach each other from opposite ends of a well-appointed basketball court. Stewart checks the ball to Ian.
IAN
(Dribbling)
Well, old-friend-turned-arch-nemesis, it seems you’ve foiled my evil plans this time. But someday, I will defeat you.
Ian bounces the ball to Stewart.
IAN (CONT’D)
Check.
Stewart bounces the ball back to Ian.
STEWART
Check.
Ian drives hard to the net and dunks over Stewart’s head.
IAN
Mate.
Ian spins the ball on his finger as ominous music plays and we...
FADE TO BLACK
6.
Ian and Stewart sit at opposite ends of a long table heaped with pies in a well-appointed tent at a county fair.
IAN
(Speaking through a mouth full of pie)
SMMMMMDRRRFFFFTYOO!
Crumbs and bits of rhubarb spray across the table and into Stewart’s face. Pause as the two continue devouring pie.
STEWART
(Also speaking through a mouth full of pie)
GRRDLESBLRRRRBLE!
Ian strains to open his jaw ever-wider, that he might pack in another morsel of the pie.
IAN
Cherrrrgbliaburgmate
The two men exchange Significant, Pie-Encrusted Glances as carnival music plays and the contest judges pin a ribbon on Ian. Stewart vomits from too much pie as we…
FADE TO BLACK
7.
Ian and Stewart are on the stage in a well-appointed karaoke bar in Koreatown. They sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”
FADE TO BLACK
8.
Ian and Stewart stand next to each other behind two well-appointed podiums.
IAN
Someday I will defeat you!
STEWART
Good will always triumph!
IAN
I’d like to solve the puzzle!
PAT SAJAK
Go ahead!
The board reads: “_ _ E _ KMATE.”
IAN
Checkmate.
The two men and the third contestant, Larry from Omaha, exchange Significant Glances as Vanna White spins the letters around. An ominous version of the Wheel of Fortune theme plays as we…
FADE TO BLACK
NEW YORK: Come see Luke Burns, along with other McSweeney’s Internet Tendency contributors, at the launch party for The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency this Wednesday, February 19th at the Powerhouse Arena. 7 pm.