“A new makeup brand is targeting men with skulls, tattoos, muscles and the violence inherent in its name: War Paint.” — Newsweek, 5/9/19
FROM THE MAKERS OF 3-IN-1 HAIR AND BODY SCRUBS COMES BALL PAINT, A NEW MAKEUP BRAND THAT SAYS “I DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO TRY.”
THERE ARE FIVE KINDS OF MEN IN THIS WORLD, AND THEY COME IN: FAIR, LIGHT, TAN, MEDIUM, AND DEEP.
SO, GET A FLAWLESS, DEWEY LOOK THAT SAYS, “I WORK IN A HOLE” WITH OUR MAN SKIN SKIN TONE PAINT. IT’S NOT A FOUNDATION, AND IT’S PROVEN SCIENCE THAT MEN HAVE NEVER HAD UNDERTONES. ONLY THAT BITCH WHO SAID ONLINE GAMING IS NOT A CAREER HAS UNDERTONES.
CHECK OUT OUR NEW BLACK-EYE PALETTE. IT’S NOT A PURPLE EYESHADOW PALETTE, IT’S NOT. IT’S A SELECTION OF 12 PERFECTLY BLENDABLE PUNCH-TONE SHADES THAT WILL GIVE YOU THE FRESH BAR FIGHT LEWK YOU’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF.
WHY STOP THERE?
CHECK OUT OUR POWDER-TO-CREAM FORMULA DIRTZERS. IT’S NOT LIKE A BRONZER AT ALL BECAUSE IT IS JUST SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE DIRT. USE OUR PATENTED, JAW-HUGGING BRUSH TO SWEEP YOUR DIRTZER OVER THE CONTOURS OF YOUR FACE AND LEAVE A DIRTY-LOOKING SHADOW.
NOW THAT’S BEING A MAN, FINALLY.
PROVE YOUR SEMEN IS WORTH $2000 A VIAL WITH OUR PUNK-SHOW LINER. IT’S A BLACK PENCIL THAT YOU LINE YOUR EYES WITH TO PROVE YOU SHOULDN’T BE FUCKED WITH IN THE PIT.
AND HEY, YOU EVER HEAR OF SHOE POLISH? OUR EYE-SAFE OZZY-GLOZZY LOOKS JUST LIKE SHOE POLISH, BUT GLOSSIER. PUT IT OVER YOUR LID AND ASK YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO NAME THREE OF THE BAND’S ALBUMS IF SHE LOVES THEM SO MUCH.
LOOK LIKE YOU JUST MADE OUT WITH A MEAT LOVER’S PIZZA WITH OUR DICK STICKS, WHICH COME IN 12 COMFORTABLE, LONG-WEARING SHADES LIKE: TOUGH, HIKING, MOTORCYCLES, AND 6-WEEK ABORTION BAN. FORMULATED WITH COCOA BUTTER AND SCREAMED AT BY YOUR DAD UNTIL IT BOILED IN ITS OWN RAGE, DICK STICKS COME IN A PENIS-SHAPED BULLET TUBE. NO ONE WILL MISTAKE YOU FOR A WOMAN NOW.
HEAD TO YOUR NEAREST SEPHORA AND ASK AN ASSOCIATE TO PLEASE RECOMMEND BALL PAINT. IT WILL BE RIGHT NEXT TO MARC JACOBS BECAUSE BROS GOTTA STICK TOGETHER.