The sentence “When she heard the good news, Jill picked up the phone ___________ brother” can be completed with the name “Ann Coulter,” especially if you can say it out loud in a Philadelphia accent. Complete each of the following sentences with the name of a famous person.
1. Of all the Gibb Brothers, the artist ____________ often than he sketched Maurice.
2. “I can pay you in bricks or you can take your _____________.”
3. Sign held on street median by down-on-his-luck metalworker: “______________ for food.”
4. “You can either snag a petal, snatch a bud, _______________ for your pressed flower collection.”
5. “Pots of ____________ made by boiling small cylinders with thine vegetables.”
ANSWERS.
About one in six entrants got all five correct. Number one turned out to be the easiest, number five was the most difficult, and number two was surprisingly tricky. Although they weren’t the answers we were looking for, entrants who wrote CASSIUS CLAY (“cash as clay”) for number two and JIMMY STEWART for number five (those ice cream toppings ARE both tiny and cylindrical, not to mention delicious) can consider those guesses clever enough. Extra credit to Matt Morris who answered all five correctly and responded with a quiz of his own, which the Brain Exploder hasn’t had time to work on, but may (or may not) be featured at some future date.
THE FIRST FIVE TO REPLY WITH PERFECT SCORES AND THE RECIPIENTS OF A MCSWEENEY’S BOOK:
Kiberius Spark
Bill Lammey
Megan Sharkey
Joe Schmidt
Aseel Rasheed
RESPONDENTS WHO LIVE IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE IN WHICH FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOVERNOR WILL (IAM) WELD IS MORE FAMOUS THAN WILL SMITH:
Randall Nottingham
Todd Vencil
Chris Barry
TARA REID FANS WITH THE UGLIEST PRESSED FLOWER COLLECTIONS IN AMERICA:
Josh Mictorn
Fred LaBrecque
Victoria Nece
THE JACK BLAIR PUN MAN SHOW:
1. Of all the Gibb Brothers, the artist CAMERON DIAZ [camera[’d] Andy as (often [as]] he sketched Maurice.
2. “I can pay you in bricks or you can take your STONE, PHILLIPS.”
also, CASH, JOHNNY
also, ROCK, CHRIS
also, MONEY, EDDIE
(see also PAYCHECK, JOHNNY by Manuel Gonzales and Bryan Dunn —cd)
3. Sign held on street median by down-on-his-luck metalworker: "WILL SHAKESPEARE (making threatening “stabbing” gestures) for food."
also, GEORGE WILL ____ (you name it, Charley!)
4. “You can either snag a petal, snatch a bud, (or) ROB BECCA’S ROMAINE STAMEN for your pressed flower collection.”
also, RYAN LEAF (or eye a[n] leaf)
5. “Pots of SHAFT BROTH ARE (Shaft, brother!) made by boiling small cylinders with thine vegetables.”
RANDALL NOTTINGHAM, BETWEEN THIS AND WILL WELD, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE FROM MASSACHUSETTS?
2. Red Auerbach — famous Boston Celtics coach. This is probably not the answer you had in mind, but hear me out: Red Hour Recordings is a small studio in Columbus, Ohio. Therefore, a “Red Hour” could be a CD of music they recorded, which would make “I can pay you in bricks or you can take your Red Hour back” a perfectly plausible thing for an unemployed mason to say to a friend who suggested he buy the CD.
FINALLY, A PARTIAL LIST OF OTHER GUESSES RECEIVED, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
V. I. Lenin
Fiona Apple
Brian DePalma
Cher
Goldie Hawn
Wally Backman
Erskine Bowles
50-Cent
Jeremy Irons
Danielle Steele
Martha Stewart
Stuart Little
French Stewart
Art Garfunkel
Viggo Mortensen
Sal Mineo