Well, I’ve done it. I’ve climbed the media ladder and joined a cadre of independent pundits like Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, and Tucker Carlson. And I did it with just an insatiable appetite for trolling liberals.
Of course, I’ve made a lot of enemies along the way—the socialist Democrats, the thought police, and all the blue-haired feminists who are too high on their own supply of DEI to keep a rational, emotionally uninvested, bird’s-eye, macro view of political issues like I do. They’re all just snowflakes who hate how a straight, white, cisgender guy like me can amass a huge following online by mocking their civic rights, socioeconomic grievances, and pathetic obsession with democracy.
But remember, I’m not actually committed to anything I say or do that provokes them into wokesplaining conniptions. I’m just asking questions. Or playing devil’s advocate. Or trolling for the lolz.
Life would be much easier for the woke if they remembered that, at the end of the day, virtually no contentious pieces of legislation or civil rights issues ever affect me personally. Politics, government, and public policy are just games for me, and I play to win. So, when I throw out a whataboutism here and a “both sides” there, I’m just tossing curve balls to strike out the libs who get so mad they start yelling. When they quit the debate and block me online, I win.
Although, sometimes, when I’m in danger of losing an argument, I say I used to be a Democrat myself years ago, before Democrats took a hard left to Commie Town. I even voted for Obama in 2008. There’s no way I can verify that for my haters on social media who point out that my earliest posts regularly hashtagged the Tea Party and featured the anti-Obama “NOPE” poster as a profile picture, but that just proves how much of an open mind I keep. I’m a classical liberal. It’s the liberals who have abandoned liberalism, not me.
I also sometimes claim I’m a demisexual or aromantic so I can demand liberals to support me and accept my opinions as facts because I have LGBTQ+ membership, and am therefore just as much an oppressed victim of the capitalistic, white, cisgender, heterosexual patriarchy as any of them.
Isn’t pedantic trolling fun?
That is why I laugh so hard when the woke mobs try to cancel me. Making liberals upset is why my fans love me, so I can’t be canceled. And I tally up all the times I get called a “Nazi” online because I’m a neo-Nazi at best on my most fascist days. Do I think the Nazis may have had a few good ideas? Sure. Not every single idea they ever had was about genocide and race wars, you know?
There is one downside to being an anti-woke internet troll, and it’s that the liberal elites happen to be involved in almost all this country’s good art, cultural innovations, and social fun.
I’ll admit it’s ironic that I spend ten hours a day calling the cosmopolitan, globalist, coastal metropolises “baby-eating communist shitholes where everyone is mugged and murdered by marauding gangs of thugs every day” when there’s no way in hell I’ll ever leave my big city and move to some flyover mining ghost town or farming county that I spend all day on my podcast celebrating as “Real America.” I’m not happy saying this, but elitist liberals shitholes are somehow where all the cool celebrities and parties are, where all the artists and tech geniuses live, where all the skinny and pretty people live, and where all the money, economic growth, and GDP come from despite how deranged the liberals are.
But because I get unfairly tarred as a Republican—remember, I’m an independent centrist—I don’t get invited to any of the good parties or media events. I may defend everything Trump does and excuse everything he says, but I’m barely on the political right at all. No matter how high I am at the top of the y-axis into the “authoritarian” end of the four-way political compass, I’m very much in the middle.
I just want to stop the libs from ruining America, and that might mean Trump will have to become a dictator and settle on a Final Solution to rid America of all liberals.
Just kidding!