EX-BOYFRIEND THREAT INBOUND TO STARBUCKS LINE. YOU HAVEN’T BRUSHED YOUR HAIR AND SMELL OF PELOTON BIKE SADDLE. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER UNDER NEAREST FRAPPUCCINO MACHINE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ALL NON-EMERGENCY BRAS — INCLUDING THOSE CUTTING INTO BACK-SKIN — MUST BE OFF BODY BY 6:00 PM UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
SEVERE MANSPLAINING WARNING IN THIS AREA: OKCUPID DATE DEFENDING ELECTORAL COLLEGE SYSTEM AS ‘MALIGNED’ AND ‘MISUNDERSTOOD.’ REQUEST CHECK FROM NEAREST SERVER.
A CIVIL AUTHORITY HAS ISSUED A REQUIRED MONTHLY TEST OF YOUR ABILITY TO DIGEST LACTOSE IN POLITE COMPANY … YOU HAVE FAILED THIS TEST.
AMBER ALERT: THAT GIRL AMBER IS ABOUT TO WALK OVER TO YOUR DESK WHILE YOU’RE ON DEADLINE AND TELL YOU AN EMOTIONALLY DRAINING STORY ABOUT A D.J. NAMED TEDDY WHO LIVES IN COLORADO AND WAS SUPPOSED TO COME SEE HER THIS WEEKEND, BUT HE GOT A LAST-MINUTE EDM FESTIVAL GIG AND SHE’S TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE OF HIS CAREER, BUT ALSO WHAT ABOUT HER NEEDS?? DUCK AND HEADPHONE.
CORRECTION! THE SUCCULENT YOUR REAL SIMPLE MAGAZINE ASSURED YOU WAS ‘IMPOSSIBLE TO KILL’ IS, IN FACT, POSSIBLE TO KILL.
HIGH THREAT OF YOUR MOM BAITING YOU INTO AN ARGUMENT ABOUT WHY YOU DIDN’T LIKE HER LAST FACEBOOK POST WITH THE DOGS YAWNING. DO NOT ENGAGE. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
FAST FASHION WARNING IN THIS AREA UNTIL SPRING. IMMEDIATE DANGER OF IMPULSIVE CROP-TOP PURCHASE THAT WILL INEVITABLY LEAD TO MORTIFYING TORSO SHAME.
UPDATE: STRONG RISK OF SIGNIFICANT OTHER MAKING A ‘JOKE’ ABOUT WHY YOU’D PURCHASE A CROP-TOP AT YOUR AGE ANYWAY. FALL-OUT LIKELY. STAY ALERT.
DANGEROUS SITUATION! SUSPECT AT LARGE IN WHITE HOUSE VICINITY. ACTIVELY LABELING NATIONS ‘SHIT-HOLES.’ CALL 1-202-MUELLER IF SEEN.