… All those stories and more on tonight’s Eyewitness Newscast. Good evening, I’m Jarrod Palmer. Tom Denardo is off tonight.

Dana Gibson is also off tonight. Mark Batista is off tonight. Paula Winston is off tonight. James Hastings, Carol Montgomery, and Kevin Bosley are off tonight. David Lennox is off tonight. Molly Hutchins is off tonight. Amanda Carlson is either sick or on vacation or she’s off tonight. I think she’s off tonight.

Adam Stapelton is off tonight. James McGrath is off tonight. Nancy Oliver is off tonight. Jason Nardozi is off tonight because this is the week he switches days with Pete Lipton. Pete Lipton, however, is sick. Trevor Einhorn is sick. Paul Granger is sick. I saw Paul the other day and he looked terrible. So did Lorraine Jacobs, who is not only sick, but is also off tonight. She’s not off tomorrow night though so we’ll see what happens with that. Caroline Davis is currently filling in for Wes Shumar on the morning show. Wes Shumar is filing in for Heidi Witt on the afternoon broadcast, and Heidi Witt is off tonight.

Elizabeth Sherman is off tonight. Glenn Daniels is off tonight. Several people are currently looking for Chloe Hillman, but it doesn’t matter because she’s off tonight. Miranda and Tony are off tonight. Naomi Martin is here but is refusing to go on air. The same goes for Mark Reynolds, Pauline Robinson, and Kurt, whose last name escapes me at the moment. Nobody knows where the hell Fran Irving is.

I’m now getting word that Fran Irving is in fact off tonight. Thanks, David. Sorry, Steve, you sound like David. David is off tonight.

We got a call this morning from Bob Clement. He said he is sick, but might be in later, whatever that means. Kelly Damico is off tonight because she just had a baby. Congratulations to Kelly and her husband Aaron, who I’ve actually never met, and have only seen in pictures. Zack Corkman is off tonight. Last time I saw Pam Greenberg she was in the hallway on her way here so I don’t know where she went. Steve Jepson might know. Steve is off tonight. Bill Statsky doesn’t work here anymore. Jane Burton is off tonight but no one’s too upset about that. She’s sort of a divisive figure around here.

Vince Basinger is the weatherman, and he’s here. Sam Kemmis is also here, but he’s just an old college friend of mine visiting for the weekend and wanted to see me do my thing. He is off tonight but from a job that isn’t this one. Trisha Ross is sick. The new guy, the one who sometimes fills in for Betty, that’s me. I’m here. Betty is off tonight. Jenny Halfhill is currently on assignment, but works for another network so why bring her up, you know? David Stanton is not here. He should be, but he’s not.

Nathan Alford is off tonight. Harold Foreman is off tonight. Sarah Utley passed away last night in her sleep. She was 42. Ben Benzio is off tonight. His brother Stan Benzio is also off tonight. Kind of neat that two brothers are anchors at the same network, huh? Well, I think it’s kind of neat. Bryce Fox is a kid I played little league baseball with.

Bosley Mackelfresh is here but Bosley Mackelfresh is a dog. The following pet animals, however, are sick: Clover, Mr. Oscar, and Flash. Jasper the Bloodhound is off tonight. Janet Ginsburg is sick. Rachel Koval is sick. Those last two are people, not animals. Natalie Maida is somebody I just made up. Lorrie Alster is real. She’s off tonight.

Chuck Kellog is off tonight and would have been coming to you live. That would have been exciting. Chuck’s the best. Erin Swink is not off tonight, but she’s also not here. Personal day? Russell Crowe is off tonight. Yes, that Russell Crowe. Doug McConnell is off tonight. Yes, that Doug McConnell. Former Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doug Drabek is here and will have the latest from City Hall after the weather. It’s odd that he doesn’t do sports. We all think that. Tara Morrow is off tonight.

And sitting next to me is Lynn Grimaldi, who is filling in for Cheryl Clayburn.