“I think, therefore I am a total idiot.”
— René Descartes

“The only thing I know is that I know nothing. And that’s why it’s okay that I didn’t check the price on this juice before sliding it across the counter, and then felt too paralyzed from embarrassment to say that I didn’t want it when I found out it was $9.”
— Socrates

“Liberty consists in doing what one desires. That being said, sometimes liberty might benefit from some limitations, like perhaps hiring a bouncer at this coffee shop to look at my ID, look back at me, look back at my ID, look at my juice, and look back at me, and say, ‘I don’t think so, sweetie,’ and prevent me from purchasing an expensive bottled juice.’”
— John Stuart Mill

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. For example, if you don’t want to buy a $9 juice, you should not panic and willingly insert your debit card into the chip reader, and you should definitely not overcompensate by saying out loud, ‘This is wonderful! I’ve been waiting all day for my $9 juice!’”
— Confucius

“Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all. But I mean, it was a glass bottle! I should’ve known.”
— Hypatia

“Metaphysics is a dark ocean without shores or lighthouse, strewn with many a philosophic wreck. Does anyone know what this one means? I spent $9 on juice.”
— Immanuel Kant

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. So far, I have only spent $9 on juice once, which is not nearly enough for Chase Bank to send me this many alerts.”
— Aristotle

“I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure it is not in order to enjoy ourselves, which is why spending $9 on a bowel-displacing juice is actually, perhaps, the right decision.”
— Ludwig Wittgenstein

“The unexamined life is not worth living. I’m going to finish this $9 juice before I call my mom to apologize for this.”
— Socrates

“Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. Okay, shit this juice was actually pretty good?”
— Ludwig Wittgenstein

“Happiness is the highest good. And that happiness cannot be found through a $9 juice. Unless… well… this Acai-Kiwi-Wheee is filled with antioxidants and vitamins, so maybe we could do some research on whether it can’t hurt?”
— Aristotle

“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things. My mom immigrated to this country so that I would have a better life, and against all predictions, maybe my best life is a $9 juice.”
— René Descartes

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life? Maybe I should try some of their other juices, like Wheatgrass Whippets, Very Berry Not Sedentary (Go To The Gym), and Loud Spinach.”
— Rumi

“He who knows enough is enough will always have enough. Thankfully, there’s no such thing as too much juice.”
— Lao Tzu

“Man is born free, but is everywhere in chains. I am personally chained to POOP: Papaya, Orange, Orange, Papaya.”
— Jean-Jacques Rousseau

“To speak a language is to take on a world, a culture. Listen, I’m someone who likes juice now. What’s next for me? Maybe a vision board class.”
— Frantz Fanon

“All oppression creates a state of war; this is no exception. Speaking of oppression, I love juice! I am one with the juice! The juice is the only thing that understands me! Oh, my card got declined?”
— Simone de Beauvoir