INT. ALL AMERICAN BURGER
The place is packed, back-to-school signs and banners are everywhere. BRAD strolls in for his shift, everyone loves him. He gives his girlfriend, who also works there, a quick kiss. He puts his apron and hat on.
BRAD spots three surfers sitting in the dining area. None of them are wearing shirts.
BRAD
Hey! You guys had shirts on when you came in here!
ANGLE ON THE MAIN SURFER who is clearly stoned. He runs his fingers through his tangled blonde hair. He is a man. He hasn’t a care in the world.
SPICOLI
Somepin’ happened to ‘em, mon.
BRAD
Come on, Spicoli, just put the shirts back on. You see that sign?
The surfers put on a big show of looking at the sign. They are not used to rules applying to them.
SURFERS (all together)
No shirt!
No shoes!
No reproductive choice!
BRAD
Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA
STACY and LINDA notice three Pat Benatar lookalikes while they eat their lunch.
LINDA is trying to teach STACY how to give a blowjob. She takes out a carrot and eases it into her mouth and down her throat.
LINDA
Stace, there’s nothing to it, it’s so easy.
(feels her throat)
Relax your throat muscles.
STACY and LINDA practice together, sliding carrots in and out of their mouths.
LINDA
See? You got it. And also? Carrots have vitamins and
stuff that are so important for your baby’s eyes,
skin, bones, and organs.
STACY
What? How’d we get from blowjobs to babies?
LINDA
You’ll see, Stace. Love is a battlefield.
The group of boys that have been watching them break out in applause. They are big fans of beta-carotene. And blow jobs. And no consequences.
INT. DAMONE’S ROOM — AFTERNOON
DAMONE is mixing Kahlua and milks for him and RAT. If they drink too much and make bad decisions, who cares? They’re boys!
RAT
I’m in love.
DAMONE
Did you get her number?
RAT
No.
DAMONE
Did you get her name?
RAT
No. No! It’s too soon.
DAMONE
It’s never too soon, Rat. I mean, a
girl decides how far she’s gonna
let you go in the first five minutes.
What am I saying?
It’s what you decide
that counts. It’s Alabama!
RAT
Well, what am I supposed to do? Go up to this strange girl
in my biology class and say, “Hello I’d like you to take your
clothes off and jump on me?”
DAMONE
I would. Rat, there is literally no legal
downside to doing that in this state.
EXT. STACY’S HOUSE, POOL
ANGLE ON LINDA who is wearing a bikini, sitting on the diving board. She swings her legs through the water, slowly, enjoying the hot afternoon. BRAD, from inside the bathroom, slides the window open slightly so he can look at her.
MUSIC UP: The Cars “Moving in Stereo”
BRAD begins to fantasize about LINDA.
LINDA (in fantasy)
Hi, Brad. You know how celibate I always thought you were.
She walks in slow motion towards him, water dripping off her slender body. She undoes her bikini top as she walks.
BACK IN REALITY, BRAD sits on the toilet with the top of his uniform still on, he’s jerking off. As he gets close to coming, outside LINDA dives off the diving board.
LINDA
Stacy, do you have any Q-Tips? I’ve got water in my ear.
STACY
I don’t know, check in the house.
LINDA opens the unlocked bathroom door just as BRAD is furiously pumping away. She realizes immediately what he’s doing as he fumbles to turn his back to her and cover up.
BRAD
Ah… wait just a minute!
LINDA
Brad, doesn’t life start at masturbation?!
She walks away with her hand over her mouth, mortified.
BRAD
Doesn’t anyone fucking knock anymore?
INT. CHANGING ROOM
DAMONE and STACY enter the wood-paneled changing room next to the pool and stand facing each other. They start kissing.
STACY
You wanna take off your clothes?
DAMONE
You first.
STACY
Both of us at the same time.
They embrace quickly, frantically kiss, and immediately start having sex.
MUSIC UP: “She’s Gonna Have Somebody’s Baby” by Jackson Browne
Well just a look at that girl with the lights comin’ up in her eyes.
She’s got to have somebody’s baby.
She’s gonna have somebody’s baby.
All the guys on the senate stand back, let her rights up and die.
She’s got to have somebody’s baby.
She’s gonna have somebody’s baby.
She’s got to have somebody’s baby.
Might as well be mine.
DAMONE (out of breath)
I think I came. Did you feel it?
STACY
Yea… I guess I did?
EXT.BLEACHERS — AFTERNOON
DAMONE is trying to talk a girl into buying Cheap Trick tickets.
DAMONE
Can you honestly tell me that you forgot?
Forgot the magic? How about the tunes?
“I want YOU to want ME”
“The dream police DA DA DA DADA DA DA”
“Your mama’s alright your daddy’s alright they
just seem a little bit weeeeird, surrender—”
STACY (interrupting)
Can I talk to you for a sec?
DAMONE
Stacy, I’m doin’ business. Call me tonight, alright?
STACY
No, I gotta talk to you now.
They walk somewhere more private.
STACY
I just want you to know that I’m pregnant.
DAMONE
Jesus. I mean, it was your idea. You wanted to do it!
You wanted it more than I did!
STACY
No. Take that back.
DAMONE
Alright. Alright, I take it back. But you know, Stace,
that’s the only thing I have to take back. I mean,
whatever happens, my toes are still tappin’.
STACY
I hate this state.
MUSIC UP: “She’s Gonna Have Somebody’s Baby” (CONT’D)
I heard her talkin’ with her friend when she thought nobody else was around.
She said she’s gonna have somebody’s baby; she’s got to have somebody’s baby.
’Cause when the pills and the condoms and the IUDs just can’t be found,
She’s gonna have somebody’s baby,
She’s got to have somebody’s baby,
She’s gonna have somebody’s baby,
She’s so
Fucked
EXT. OUT OF STATE ABORTION CLINIC — AFTERNOON
BRAD is leaning against his car, waiting for her to come out.
STACY (shyly)
Brad …
BRAD
Since when do you leave Alabama anyway?
STACY
OK Brad, please don’t tell Mom and Dad, OK? Or the police?
Or anyone at school? Or anyone who works for the state?
Or anyone in town? Or my doctor? Or any doctors?
Don’t even tell nurses. Not even the school nurse.
Especially not the school nurse. Or anyone I’ve ever known?
BRAD
Who did it?
(silent pause)
You’re not gonna tell me, are you?
STACY
No. But did you hear that part about all the people you shouldn’t tell?
BRAD
Okay. It’ll just be your secret.
STACY
Yeah.
BRAD
I’m a good guy.
STACY
Yeah.
BRAD
Like, I’m an ally.
STACY
Yeah, I got it Brad.
BRAD
I’m on your side.
STACY
Yup.
BRAD
I’m here for you.
STACY
Do you want something, Brad?
BRAD
A thank you would be nice.
STACY
Wow.
EXT. HOSPITAL
The students are on a field trip of the local hospital, getting the full birth-through-death experience. Towards the end, the SCHOOL GROUP enters the hallway outside the hospital morgue.
MR. VARGAS
Class, this is Dr. Miller, he’ll be joining
us for the last part of our tour today.
DR. MILLER
Hi. You guys, follow me, please.
MR. VARGAS
I’d like to ask you one last time, conduct
yourselves with the utmost maturity.
SCHOOL GROUP enters the morgue. A body is in the center of the room, under a surgical drape.
MR. VARGAS
This lady here is named Chelsea. Chelsea was good enough
to die last week of a botched abortion and we are fortunate
enough today to view her body in its pristine state.
SPICOLI
Gnarly!
MUSIC UP: “She’s Gonna Have Somebody’s Baby” (CONT’D)
I try to shut my eyes, but I can’t get her outta my sight.
I know I’m gonna throw her … under the bus, that’s my right.
INT. SPICOLI’S BEDROOM
The bedroom walls are plastered with posters of naked women. SPICOLI is smoking up before the big graduation dance.
CURTIS, his little brother, announces a guest and suddenly history teacher MR. HAND walks into SPICOLI’S bedroom. He’s there to settle up on the “my time” SPICOLI owes him from the school year. MR. HAND gives him a copy of the textbook LAND OF TRUTH AND LIBERTY.
CUT TO a couple hours later.
SPICOLI
What Roe v. Wade was saying was “Hey, you know, making
chicks have bambinos is bogus and if we don’t get some cool
rules about this, pronto, we’ll just be bogus too.” Yeah?
MR. HAND
Very close, Jeff. I think I’ve made my point with you tonight, huh?
SPICOLI
Mr. Hand, do you have a guy like me in class every year?
You know, a guy who you make an example of?
MR. HAND
We only make examples of girls, Mr. Spicoli.
INT. MALL PIZZA PARLOR
STACY puts pepperoni on a large pizza. LINDA refills the Parmesan cheese shakers.
STACY
Linda, I finally figured it out. I don’t want sex. Anyone can have sex.
LINDA
Stacy, it’s okay to want sex. Women are allowed to like sex.
STACY
I want a relationship. I want romance.
LINDA
You want romance? In Alabama? We can’t
even get basic human rights here, Stacy.
INT. SPICOLI’S BEDROOM
The phone rings. It’s clear from his side of the conversation that a girl is telling him she’s pregnant. SPICOLI looks like he’s going to cry, just like when Mr. Hand ripped up his class schedule right in front of him.
SPICOLI
Relax, alright. My old man is a television repairman.
Got the ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.