Aeneas
“After the Greeks began to burn down my city, I was ordered to leave. I was hurrying out of Troy with my son, my father (who can’t walk), and my household gods. The one thing I forgot? My wife. Now she’s dead. FML.”
Icarus
“Today my father made wings out of feathers and wax so that we could escape the king’s castle. But I flew too close to the sun and the wings melted. I then fell into the ocean below. I can’t swim. FML.”
Odysseus
“Today I came up with a plan that helped my country win a ten year war. But, because I forgot to pray to Poseidon, I won’t get to go home for another ten years. FML.”
Polyphemus
“This morning, I came home to find a bunch of guys sitting around my cave, so I locked them inside to teach them a lesson. Afterward, I got drunk and passed out. I woke up with a horrible pain in my eye. Those men had poked my eye out with a huge sharpened stick. I’m a 50-foot-tall giant and they were 5-foot-tall humans. Oh, and did I mention I was a Cyclops before I met them? FML.”
Oedipus
“I’ve been really busy. I solved the riddle of the Sphinx, gained entrance to the city of Thebes, killed the king and took his place, and then married his wife and had several kids. As it turns out, the guy that I killed to become king was my dad. And the chick that I married and had kids with was my mother. FML.”