1. How does this work?

Great question, Gus. First, I will get some background information about the cause of your call today then collect some personal details from you (full name, DOB, credit card information, etc), you will give me the credit card your wife or partner doesn’t have access to, and finally, I will process payment for a test at a clinic near you. Feel free to be as detailed as possible. I’ve been trained to not have an emotional response no matter how vivid or lurid your story gets. Think of me like a doctor, except I earn $12.50 an hour and I have a degree in History that my parents told me would be useless.

2. Can I get HIV from a stripper’s breast milk?

Great question, Andy. I had to Google the answer to this question since it wasn’t covered in the training I received for this job. I found a great deal of NSFW links before I landed on BabyCenter.com. Apparently, you can, Andy. If said stripper is HIV positive and you choose to consume her breast milk it could result in you contracting HIV. No judgment here, Andy. Let’s get you set up for $99 Rapid HIV test.

3. Do you guys sell STDs?

Great question, Rich. Did you mean do we sell STD tests? If so, yes we do! We sell tests for all the major STDs: HIV, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and Hepatitis B! All for the low price of $249. If you meant do we sell actual STDs, no Rich, unfortunately, we do not. If you’d like I can forward this feedback to our sales department and perhaps this will be an offering on our site in the near future.

4. Did my boyfriend give me herpes?

Great question, Ann. Unfortunately, our tests are not advanced enough to tell us who gave you this STD. We appreciate your offer to mail us his shaving razor for DNA purposes, however, unlike the fully functional crime lab you saw in that one episode of Law & Order: SVU, we can only test blood and urine samples given to us with the explicit consent of the donor. I’m sorry for any inconvenience this causes.

5. Can I use my mom’s credit card for this?

Great question, Martin. You can absolutely use your mother’s credit card for this transaction as long as we have your personal information on the test and you bring a valid ID to the clinic on the day of your test. “Section C: Connecting With the Customer” from our Quality Assurance manual encourages us to use personal experiences to comfort our customers, so let me just say that it’s great to hear that you have such a great relationship with our your mother. I, personally, plan on letting my mother think I’m a virgin until the day I die. She’s Catholic. Very different from your mom, Martha.

6. I saw this number in my son’s phone.
Does he have an STD?

Great question, Martha. While I appreciate your concern for the well-being of your son, I cannot disclose any details about any of our patients to any third-parties, even if those parties are the ones who pay his cell phone bill. If you are concerned about any of your own recent sexual encounters, please allow me to walk you through our panel of the most common STDs: HIV, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and Hepatitis B. All for the extremely affordable price of $249. Are you still there, Martha?