9:17 a.m.—THE UNIDENTIFIED BOYS OF SUMMER
The word snaking through the pipeline is that Don Rozzini has been hiring illegals to help him cope with rising demand from summer tourists. Can anyone confirm this?

10:22 a.m.—WARNING: SERIOUS TAN LINES
Yes, we do have some hi-res pics today of Steve Hanley’s plumber’s crack as he bends over to deal with a faulty faucet at the Hideaway Café off Route 27. Scalding! (NSFW—unless, you know, you work at Hanley & Sons Plumbing.)

11:19 a.m.—DO WE REALLY HAVE TO CHOOSE?
K/M/F: 21-year-old tank-topped hottie apprentice Jon Stafford; strapping 33-year-old Timothy Westing (with his toolbelt on); or bearish, flannel-wearing Howard Rawleigh (50-something, we’re guessing)?

12:03 p.m.—2 + 2 IS THE NEW 5
Blind item! Which ponytailed pipesman has been going so far over his estimates in the past six months that several of his clients have pulled the plug on his services?

12:37 p.m.—POWTER PLAY
Mike Powter reveals all in a candid Q&A, from how he keeps his quads in below-the-sink shape (squats, squats, and, oh yeah, squats) to the most scandalous thing he’s ever done under a low-flow showerhead (hint: it’s not replacing the mixer valve!).

2:14 p.m.—NO PAY, LONG HOURS, TYRANNICAL BOSS WHOSE BEST YEARS WERE IN THE JACUZZI ERA? SIGN ME UP!
Print dinosaur trade rag Plumber’s Helper is looking for fall interns. Have fun fetching coffee, making invoice copies, and generally kowtowing to rumpled and irrelevant ed-in-chief Larry Galont, whom you may remember from a certain incident at the 2004 New England Toilet Summit involving a brackish Q&A and a bucket of raw sewage.

3:24 p.m.—YES, WE KNOW, SLOW NEWS DAY
Quiz: What’s your least-favorite rib-joint-pliers brand?

3:49 p.m.—THE SINGLE MOST ANTICIPATED PIECE OF WRITING, EVER
Flooding! We have a juicy six-page excerpt from Jonas Thornbush’s forthcoming self-published memoirs, Swirling Towards Bethlehem: The Burst Pipe Dreams of a Drain Jockey in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

4:08 p.m.—GOT ROOM FOR A FOURTH?
There was an exclusive bash last night at Chris Lochman’s house to celebrate the DIY installation of his new hot tub. Click through for “steamy” topless scanned Polaroids of Chris, his contractor brother Willie, and Burlington carpenter Taylor Albright savoring the fruits of their labor with a couple pitchers of home-brewed deliciousness.

5:11 p.m.—HAIR TODAY, DRANO TOMORROW
Another day down the drain. Take the plunge again tomorrow with guest clogger Billy “the Sinkmeister” Jablonski!