RELEASE DAY

  • The player, Adam, has been placed into the garden.
  • To complete the first level, he will need to find the flaming sword hidden behind the bushes 20 feet away (Estimated completion time: 20 min).
  • Upon completion of this brief tutorial level he will move onto the hard stuff, gain the ability to fly, and ultimately have all of his wildest dreams come true.

DAY 5 PATCH NOTES

  • It has been five days, and Adam has not even approached the bushes.
  • Unexpectedly, he has begun to name the non-playable characters stuff like “elephant” and “tiger.” He wasn’t even supposed to encounter these beasts until he had the sword… there was supposed to be a huge battle!

DAY 37 PATCH NOTES

  • Instead of searching for the sword, Adam has spent most of his time attempting to speak with the tiger. For this reason, we have decided to introduce a Player 2, Eve, into the game. She will be able to talk to Adam about important questions like, “Where is the flaming sword?”

DAY 40 PATCH NOTES

  • We apologize for the unspeakable acts committed between Players 1 and 2. We understand that this may have lost us the “T” rating we were aiming for. We gave the players those different “attributes” for variety’s sake; we never expected the players to put them together in that way.
  • Due to this disturbing imagery, clothes have been added to the game. These clothes will be a mostly cosmetic addition, and shouldn’t have much of an effect on gameplay.

DAY 47 PATCH NOTES

  • A 3rd player was introduced to the game… we aren’t exactly sure how, but we assume it had something to do with the disturbing act mentioned above. Speaking of which, they seem to really enjoy doing that over and over again, and show no signs of stopping.

DAY 68 PATCH NOTES

  • They all left the garden. We assume this will only be a brief excursion, as the rest of the world has not been rendered yet. There’s literally nothing out there.

DAY 150 PATCH NOTES

  • Okay, well, it’s hard not to be personally offended by this one. They took little pieces of the plants from my garden and made their own little gardens around the world. It’s like they’re trying to make their own levels.
  • Even harder to handle: they made their own swords! They apparently LOVE swords! They can’t stop stabbing each other with them!

DAY 32,850 PATCH NOTES

  • The original two players have passed away…. We honestly didn’t know what would happen if they lived 80 years without finding the flaming sword, but it turns out their bodies just sort of attack themselves. A lot of the other devs are saying we should just call this whole thing off, but at this point it’s just like “Eh, why not?”

DAY 1,400,000 PATCH NOTES

  • We have made the decision to send one of the developers into the game. He’s a really good guy, and I think everyone is going to like him a lot. Hopefully they’ll listen to him, and he’ll be able to lead them back to the garden where they can find the flaming sword and move on to level 2.

DAY 1,412,775 PATCH NOTES

  • They killed the developer.

DAY 2,142,775 PATCH NOTES

  • The developer caused some unforeseen complications. The decision to have him start as a baby was the right move, but the cheat codes we gave him really threw everyone for a loop. It has been a really long time and basically no one has stopped talking about him, but also no one has found the sword. So they all kinda missed the point on that one. Considering sending him back down, but as of now he’s just like “Nah.”

DAY 2,503,283 PATCH NOTES

  • A lot of the players report feeling depressed, or that they exist “without a purpose.” This is an unfortunate side effect of them NOT COMPLETING THE TUTORIAL LEVEL OR FINDING THE FLAMING SWORD. THEY WERE CREATED FOR ONE SINGULAR PURPOSE.

DAY 1543,323,322,232,123 PATCH NOTES

  • The Sun blew up.
  • We are going to restart; this time the flaming sword will be placed directly in front of Adam.