We know this past month has been difficult. The election results were a real blow to your faith in humanity. You lost your job and you may lose your access to birth control, plus that friend who begged you to watch Zeitgeist for five years has gotten even more annoying. You had to move back to your parents’ house and your future is uncertain. And sure, your last give bumble dates were “feminists” who described their ideal female body and refused to accept you know what a Klingon is. But your love life is looking up! Because the guy who just hit your car thinks you’re attractive!
We bet you were thinking, Man, I wish this guy who just ruined my day would make suggestive comments about me! Well, you’re in luck! Because that just happened! This is the perfect time for a man to comment on your figure and ask you to cheer up. Hey, he’s driving a Lexus SUV. That means he can probably afford to fix your Corolla AND take you out to dinner! Isn’t that great? It’s just what you were waiting for!
Sure, this man is smelly and out of shape. He looks vaguely like the fetus you’re afraid you’ll be forced to carry to term now. And sure, you were already cranky before he destroyed your car. But put that smile on! Really, put that smile on. He expects it and he’s holding your fender. Oh boy, now he’s asking about your father! Weren’t you just thinking you wished a horny older man would ask leading psychology-laden questions about your father? While holding up traffic? Of course you were!
Oh boy, he won’t give you his insurance card until you write your number on yours! We know you love it when a man refuses to let you go about your day without a sexually charged transaction! This guy pretty much stuck his dick in your day. Isn’t that great? And here you were thinking you’d never find your prince! We bet 20 minutes ago you were sitting in your car thinking “Man, I wish a greasy baby boomer in cargo shorts would destroy my property and sweep me off my feet!” Aren’t you a lucky lady?!
Boy, we wish we were you right now. We bet you can’t wait to tell your grandchildren the story of when grandpa destroyed the only property you own and used it to try to leverage a date. Your happily ever after has finally begun! Congratulations!