Okay, Hollywood, it’s way past time for the next batch of raunchy teen movie adaptations. And since we’ve already covered Shakespeare’s entire canon, next on the hit list are Greek Tragedies. Because nothing is hornier or more relevant to teens than plays written over two thousand years ago by a bunch of dead white guys.
Oedipus Rex
Oedipus “Eddie” Rex is the hot and horny new kid at school who wants to get laid before graduation. He wins over his classmates by being the star football player, absolutely dominating the rival school in THE BIG GAME. At prom, he bangs his hot teacher after bonding over their dark and sexy pasts (she had a teen pregnancy; he was involved in a learner’s permit hit and run). But wait, hold the phone: his hot teacher is also his… hot MOM. Sick! And at one point, he puts his “Oedipenis” (that’s what his comic-relief best friend Tiresias [probably just “Ty”] calls his shlong) in a dessert. Please note: all the actors in the movie must be hot.
The Bacchae
You know the drill, it’s one last rager to celebrate THE BIG GAME. Huge, hot ensemble cast, including a teen heartthrob musician—really a thirty-year-old playing a teen—as “Dion.” And it has one of those killer subplots where a guy dresses up as a girl to flirt with his crush in disguise. Never misses! Lots of teens doing drugs, and drinking alcohol, and pranking the adults who are trying to stop the party. Also, the adults are very hot, you know, for adults at least.
Antigone
Since our Oedipus adaptation will be such a banger, can you say sequel? “Andi” is the nerdy, unpopular freshman who is into weird stuff like politics. Her brothers went to rival schools and died after brutal football injuries during THE BIG GAME, so she wants to shut down the whole football program in protest. It’s like a social justice thing about concussions—super zeitgeisty right now. BUT the jocks stop her by having the captain take a bet to transform her into prom queen—even though she wears glasses. Yada yada, she’s expelled before prom, and he ends up naked at graduation. He’s hung up on Andi… and well-hung. That’s straight out of Tiresias’s mouth. (You bet Ty’s back for a cameo and better than ever, baby!) And don’t worry, when she takes off the glasses, she’s smokin’ hot.
The Odyssey
Okay, technically not a tragedy, but an epic poem… emphasis on epic. Odysseus “O.D.” is a stoner who forgot how to get home. The movie is a series of shenanigans and hookups as he tries to get back to his house in time for prom after THE BIG GAME. The title is Dude, Where’s Ithaca? and it has everything: more cross-dressing for a crush (never misses!), an orgy with the Sirens (the school’s a capella group), and a drug dealer named Circe whose molly gets everyone porking (that’s what Ty calls sex). Oh, yeah, you thought we couldn’t squeeze in another Ty cameo? Well, you thought wrong, amigo. This one is a little alternative in that O.D. is unconventional hot, like how some people have messed up noses but they can still pull it off.
Medea
Hear me out: HORNY TEEN DANCE MOVIE. Medea isn’t much of a dancer, but her hot football captain boyfriend, Jason, cheated on her with the most popular girl at dance school, so she must get revenge by killing… it in the BIG DANCE COMPETITION. She’ll stop at nothing to win, going as far as destroying the popular girl’s costume, giving the principal food poisoning, and burning down the dance floor and Jason’s actual house while their kids are inside. Their kids are their shared ninth-grade peer mentees, and they perish. For real. The chorus is a bunch of TikTok stars, obviously. Not only is the cast hot, but so is the choreography—even hotter than the flames that consume those poor teens!
And hey, if these movies aren’t all hits, at the very least, substitute teachers can show them when their lesson plans bomb. Now that’s longevity, baby!