Hello, I’ll Be Your Toddler Tour Guide for This Trip Out the Front Door

Good morning! And thanks to everyone for joining me today. Over the next ninety minutes, we’re going to travel out the front door. I hope everyone’s wearing comfortable shoes and feeling well-rested.

For the first part of our trip we’ll—hold on, I’m naked from the waist down. You weren’t going to let me go outside like that, were you?

Let’s head to the site of me taking my pants off earlier. On our way, we’ll pass through the dining room: notice how all the architecture has a patina of yogurt. And look, you can see the pants to your right. However, those pants are green and I’m no longer willing to wear green pants today.

Now we’ll travel through the baby gate and upstairs to get a diaper and some different pants. No, I’m sorry, no one can separate from the group. I need to walk up the stairs with you or I WILL throw myself on the floor and yell loud enough that people on the street can hear.

As we begin our ascent, let me call your attention to an interesting landmark. Do you see this little blue crumb between the second and third steps? What do you think that is? Oh, maybe some desiccated Play-Doh? Interesting. No, I’m not ready to keep going yet; I need to bend down and pick it up from that crack. This is a little challenging for my balance and fine motor skills but I—no, NO, I do NOT need help.

OK, I got it. Look! Here it is! Are you looking? Can I eat it?

Make sure you look to your left as we near the landing, so you catch the aerial vista of the living room. I promise you won’t see a view like that again anytime soon!

Now that I’m dressed, we can head back downstairs. Everyone should have had plenty of time to take in the scenery and get some good pictures while I ran from room to room yelling that I didn’t want a diaper on, or during my time-out. By the way, I got a boo-boo on my finger when I slammed the door on you, and it needs a kiss.

I know you were hoping to head to the coat closet next, but our itinerary has changed because I urgently need some craisins from the kitchen. I don’t see how the number of craisins I’ve already eaten today is relevant. How about if everyone else quiets down and lets me do the narrating?

All right, we’ve reloaded on supplies, but unfortunately, we can’t continue our tour yet because I noticed that someone took a potty break and didn’t let me flush the toilet. Was it a poop? Just a pee? OK, I’m going to need you to make another pee and let me flush it this time. Fun historical note: just beyond that bathmat is the site of the famous potty misfire of last Tuesday!

Is everybody ready to proceed? Please remember we have a schedule to keep.

Our next destination will be the diaper bag. Make sure to get a good look inside. Are my wipes there? Did you pack a snack for me? And a backup snack? And a protein bar for yourself that I’ll eat instead? Can we also bring the TV remote and my heaviest wooden toy? Did you remember my water bottle? And my milk sippy? Get your cameras ready, because I’m about to chug one of these and spill the other, then make you refill them.

At last, we’ve arrived at the coat closet. Are you feeling any vertigo or breathlessness from the road that led us here? Or maybe it’s more a sense of crushing dread? Don’t worry! This tour is very safe, unless you count dying on the inside.

Now, I’ll let you put my coat on, but only if you do it while singing in an Elmo voice. I also need to pull the zipper up myself. If you touch the zipper at all, I will completely unzip the coat and start over. No, I don’t want the stripey hat. Or the bear hat. You can’t wear a hat either. It’s essential that I put on my own shoes and mittens, but please be aware that I do not know left from right, or how to put on shoes. Always keep your valuables within reach and do not attempt to help me. Wait, what are you doing? I said I want the stripey hat!

There’s an exciting surprise stop coming up next: we’re returning to the bathroom so I can make a pee in the potty! You’ll need to take off my shoes and pants first. And diaper, obviously. Also my mittens and coat and hat. And my shirt.

Why are you going into the bedroom and shutting the door? Is this hide and seek? I’ll just come over and pull on the door handle until you come out. Oh look, I WAS peeing! Hey, is that sobbing sound the voice of a new Sesame Street character? Are you watching videos without me? We do not have time for any unscheduled breaks, people!