Announcing the biggest furniture sale of the decade!
Couches! Recliners! Headboards! Nightstands!
20% off! 30% off! 40% off!!
Folks, Ted OVERSTOCKED our warehouse big-time, and that means BIG DEALS for you!
Come on down today and benefit from Ted’s AMBITIOUS BUT FLAWED CHOICES.
You want furniture… We’ve got it!! Armoires! Ottomans! Love seats! Hammocks!
Want a coffee table with an ugly mermaid on it? Ted stocked it, and now WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!
How about an 80-year old Danish armchair shaped like an owl? That’s a Ted SIGNATURE PICK!
Has Ted been using the KOOKY FURNITURE THAT HE CHOSE PERSONALLY to post on his HEIRLOOM-THEMED TUMBLR!? We’re looking into it!
Either way, we’re turning Ted’s HUGE MISTAKES into HUGE DEALS on everything!
Bureaus! Dressers! Coat racks! Cuckoo clocks!
Ted, why does this cuckoo clock have a SMALL, ANGRY WINSTON CHURCHILL who SCREAMS EVERY HALF HOUR instead of a REGULAR, NICE CUCKOO BIRD!?
Ted, our DEALS are supposed to be CRAZY but our FURNITURE is supposed to be NORMAL!!
Want a futon? We can’t find them, because Ted replaced our futon display with one dozen CERTIFIED DUTCH LEFT-HANDERS! Ted’s Tumblr says that if your right hand touches it and you’re not Dutch, THE LEGS FALL OFF — what the hell, Ted!?
Folks, we TRUSTED Ted to be a RESPONSIBLE inventory manager while we were on summer vacation.
But Ted has BROKEN our trust, and that means we’re BREAKING our prices down to record lows!
Check out these deals on… Bunk Beds! Bookcases! Bar carts! Mirrors!
Ted, the frame on this mirror is made from THE BONES OF A HORSE and features inscriptions of ANCIENT MONGOLIAN DEATH THREATS.
Ted, that’s ALARMING and NOT OKAY and TOTALLY AGAINST our best-in-class customer service!
Ted!! We’re looking for you, buddy!
Folks, when we hired Ted, his references SEEMED GREAT, but we now think they were FABRICATED and Ted is a SCHEMING HISTORY BUFF and an ANTIQUE ROAD SHOW FAN FICTION WRITER who used our Crazy Warehouse to play out his TWISTED ANTIQUING FANTASIES.
Our investigation into Ted’s CHICANERY and PRESENT WHEREABOUTS may be TEMPORARY but our commitment to bargains is FOREVER!
That’s why we’re giving you an extra 50% OFF every GODDAMNED OBSCURE piece of furniture Ted put in our warehouse…
This nine-foot-tall toddler’s high-chair by Charles Rennie Mackintosh! GREAT for your budding little acrobat!
This granite “crouching desk” used by Prussian general Igor the Unmerciful! It forces you into a CHALLENGING STANCE that really puts your BACK, LEGS, and JOINTS through the paces!
And this twelve-hundred pound Aztec jade garden owl with GLOWING RED EYES! It’s SUPER HARD TO STEAL and emits a SOOTHING, HYPNOTIC drum beat!
OH DEAR, FOLKS. We WISH TO GOD we could keep saying you’ll love these items. But, HONESTLY… Ted’s pieces are TERRIFYING and WE KNOW WE’RE SCARING YOU RIGHT NOW.
Ted, our customers want a MODEST SELECTION OF BORING ASS PATIO TABLES WHERE THEY CAN ENJOY A MARGARITA AFTER WORK not an INSANE ASYLUM of impractical and esoteric garbage from the EXTREMELY SHORT-LIVED BATAVIAN REPUBLIC!
Ted, our warehouse looks like a mix between a MUSTY EGYPTIAN TOMB and AN ORGY HALL IN RENAISSANCE ITALY and smells that way too and NO ONE IS BUYING THIS SHIT.
Ted, your obsession with 12th-century wicker baskets fashioned by UNDERAGE VIKING DENTISTS to collect their DEAD ENEMIES’ TEETH is a violation of DECENCY, MODERATION, and our COMPANY PROMISE NOT TO PROFIT FROM CHILD LABOR.
Ted, you RUINED us!!
Ted, if we could find you we would KICK YOUR ASS right past Queen Matilda of Boulogne’s FLAMING owl-feather chandelier and right OUT THE DOOR!
Ted, you CLEARLY have an OWL FETISH and that’s not something we can STOMACH RIGHT NOW!
Folks, we’re proud to offer a HELP US KICK TED’S ASS GIVEAWAY. Send us photographic proof that you found and kicked Ted’s OWL-LOVING ASS, and we’ll give you ANY PIECE OF FURNITURE HERE!!
Maybe you want this SPOOKY Treasure Chest from the TUNISIAN PIRATE NAVY with a LIVE SCORPION HIDDEN INSIDE?! PROBABLY NOT, but hey!
Time’s running out! If these Dutch Left-Handers are still here in the next 48 HOURS, we’re LIGHTING ‘EM UP for the insurance money!! Goodbye, furniture! Goodbye, owls! Goodbye, Ted!
These deals won’t last, folks! Neither will our warehouse! Ted sucks!! This sale is BIG!!