Longreads Performance Artist
Chimes in with alarmingly opinionated musings in the comments sections of popular articles, thereby commenting on current Comment Culture.
Tweettrack Composer
Intensifies and lends narrative power to tweets with original two-note scores. (Tweettrack Composers earn an average of .00000001 percent of a cent per retweet.)
Emoji Scavenger
Hunts far and wide for up-and-coming emotions and their chubby cartoon analogues way before people even begin to feel them. Vintage Emoji Scavengers create new icons for old-school feelings such as “besmirched,” and “pleased as punch” to diversify patrons’ expression portfolios.
Selfie-Simulator
Takes photographs of people at angles which imply they took them themselves, still making their arms look skinny but their faces less wrinkly. Adds digital enticements in post such as 4-D nail art, background bedroom furniture staging, and tattoos of Aztec proverbs in Thai script.
Image Linklater
Transforms the rarely-revisited stills and videos of patrons’ children into a feature-length Boyhood-esque film, providing ancillary career opportunities for conservatory-trained Ethan Hawke impersonators.
Sign-Off Equalizer
Analyzes personal electronic correspondence for emotional parity. Patrons with moms who end emails with, “Love You Lots and Lots!” will be, for instance, given a list of fresh yet similarly enthusiastic closers such as “xoxoxoxox” to use in forthcoming missives.
Work-Pro Quizifier
Converts high-priority business emails into quizzes that colleagues will actually read (and perhaps even share with their friends!) Varieties include open-ended (Which Meeting Time Are You?) and multiple choice (Which Team Player Are You?*).
* Rigged to always answer “Coolatta Fetcher.”
Cyrano de Sexter
Writes steamy and cliché-free daily sexts for prospects and lovers, and highly specific and flattering “complitexts” inspired by recipients’ Pinterest boards for spouses and other post-sexual types.
Insta Punch-Upper
Selects the ten best photos from the thousand or so that the average patron takes each day to post on Instagram. Digitally adds six-dozen flowers, a fourth kid, a seventh abdominal muscle, or a Tesla to envy porn. Adds fresh pepper to food porn. (In the case of patrons who do not document their own lives comprehensively, refurbished photos from the Instagram accounts of people who have died, or who are technically alive but no longer on social media, can be used.)
Wedding Proposal Viral Video Planner
Coordinates up to 750 cast members across up to 20 locations to deliver the spontaneous and romantic “I do” video of patrons’ dreams. Packages normally include eight to ten meme-worthy GIFs culled from the video and social support as patrons cycle from anonymous nobodies to Today Show guests to anonymous nobodies.
Tinder Oil Cloner
Paints hyper-realistic portraits of Tinder profile pics with such verisimilitude that patrons are guaranteed to get the same number of right swipes as before.