To determine whether your body will fit our pants, please use this sizing guide.

Our pants are measured in cubits. The cubit is a unit of measurement less ancient than legs, but more ancient than the notion that we should clad them somehow. It’s equal to the distance between someone’s elbow and their longest fingertip.

Whose elbow and fingertip? That’s proprietary. But it’s definitely not yours.

To find your size, pull out your favorite pair of pants and figure out how many cubits they are. If you don’t have a favorite pair of pants, pick the pair that makes you least likely to scream into a balled-up cardigan.

Then, divide the total number of cubits by 3.5 to account for our European sizing. Don’t ask where in Europe; that’s also proprietary.

Next, you need to select one of our several “cuts” to ensure a tailored fit. All of our cuts are named after your worst bullies from middle school.

To determine whether you’re a Maldon, a Caleb, or a Sertraline, you’ll need to find your natural waist.

No, that’s your unnatural waist. No, that’s your pelvis—what is wrong with you? Look, just find whatever part of your torso causes you the most distress. That’s where all of our cuts land. And really, it doesn’t even matter which one you choose. Just like in middle school, you won’t fit in anywhere.

We’re like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, if the sisters were evil stepsisters, and the traveling was all to and from the mall on trips you were never invited to join, loser.

Still can’t figure it out? Take this simple quiz and compound the trauma of math with a dose of test anxiety.

  • What is your favorite clothing brand?
  • On a date, do you prefer long walks on the beach, long hikes through the mountains, or long runs through the desert? (No, long sits on the couch are not an option. Our pants are active, energetic garments that hate being cooped up indoors.)

Based on your score, we recommend our BURLAP SACK CUT, which we didn’t tell you was an option at the beginning, because we like screwing with you.

Our BURLAP SACK CUT will be too long while somehow also being too short. It’ll make your one misguided pair of palazzo pants look like Hepburn-esque cigarette trousers by comparison.

Most importantly, it will make you absolutely loathe your body and destroy any lingering belief you may have in any benevolent deity.

But we stand by our products. If you want to return them, just come into one of our physical stores. One of our ageless, willowy associates will be happy to refund you (minus a $16.99 restocking fee) and murmur, “Some clothes are not for everyone,” while handing back your credit card.

That is, just so long as your shock at our prices didn’t lead you to buy from our clearance section. If you failed to understand that there’s no price that Fashion does not justify, you deserve unwearable slacks that are also nonreturnable.

But while you’re here finding that out, why not take advantage of our limited-time Buy Two, Get One Half-Off sale?

Surely, the law of averages dictates that at least one of those items will look like actual clothing on your body, right? Not like a wool-blend exoskeleton you molted while weeping about inseams?

Of course not. There are no laws in this place; there are no averages. There are only pants, your legs, and their nakedness. You can either leave this place with a few Calebs (Sertralines and Maldons are out of stock), or you can leave in the crumpled limb coverings that were wearing you before.

Either way, you can’t leave with your pride. And before you know it, Pants Season will yield to Swimsuit Season, and you’ll be back. Are you a Lavisha, a Kyrstyn, or a Dysthymia? Figure out how many cubits your favorite swimsuit is, and we’ll go from there.