“Combining the best of both worlds – yoga pants and concealed carry … Not sure if your handgun will fit? Don’t worry! All concealed carry handguns fit!” — UnderTech UnderCover on Pinterest.
- – -Armed Sirsasana (Headstand)
Sirsasana is the king of all asanas but what is a king or queen without a Glock tucked snugly in the back of Concealed Carry Yoga Pants.
Step One
If you choose to perform the armed sirsasana in a yoga studio, scan the windows for that pesky gun-free zone sign. You could check with the 20-something at the front desk but presume she supports gun control because you’ve seen her in Whole Foods without shoes. Best to be silent. Your choice to carry a gun in yoga is just another juncture on your journey of exercising your Second Amendment rights.
Step Two
Find a corner of the room that puts you in range of the woman with the immaculate bob who scolded you two years ago about failing to align your mat precisely with the tape on the floor that ensures the maximum number of students can be squeezed into this sage-scented refuge. Adjust your mat just so. You want to scare, not kill her. Ahimsa, nonviolence, people. Ancient yogic texts are fuzzy on eye-for-eye vengeance so misappropriate Exodus to reconcile shooting past her thigh. Don’t beat yourself up if the shot doesn’t go off as planned. It’s a practice not a perfect.
Step Three
Move into tabletop position for a few rounds of cat and cow to warm the spine. Keep the palms beneath the shoulders, the gun below the ribs. Inhale the wisdom of our forefathers, “the right of the people to keep and bear arms…” Rid your mind of the fact you are in suburbia where the only danger is boredom.
Step Four
Let go of attachments to your fingers, your toes, your kidneys, and rigid constructions of how your body once looked. Yoga is the union of body and mind but there’s no hard percentage on either. Visualize a future with less of your physical body. You can do a lot with one arm. The only thing you really need to do yoga is an open, intact heart.
Step Five
Place your forearms on the mat, clasp your hands and rest the back of your head against your clasped hands. Consider the possibility that the “yoga” part of the Concealed Carry Yoga Pants was hypothetical. Distract yourself from this notion by admiring how sexy your yoga pants look with a weapon. Embrace the uncertainty.
Step Six
Lift your knees off the floor. Tiptoe your feet toward your head. If you end up flashing metal, don’t be alarmed if your yoga teacher begins to shout in a tone you’ve never heard from her but always suspected was buried inside. At this point, don’t dawdle. A steely mind is a steely soul. You were trained for this by that guy who knocked on your door after you called the number on the cardboard sign in the weeds near the interstate that read, CONCEALED CARRY – WE COME TO YOU. And like that, the universe gifted you a guru. Technically, his training didn’t include armed inversions but a free market entitles you to the best of both worlds: guns and yoga!
Step Seven
Move your right knee outside of your right tricep. Repeat on the left side. Engage your core to gently lift your legs to the ceiling.
Breathe. Treat this moment as it may be your last. Envision death.
Step Eight
Gently release into child’s pose. Set the intention to find an NRA-endorsed lawyer if you find yourself subjected to undue harshness. Block any negativity around you by closing your eyes, going inward and chanting loudly:
Lokah. Lock-and-stock. Bhavantu.
Om. Om. Om.
Peace. Piece. Piece.